i was driving down the road the other day with the windows down and the be good tanyas were on. i remember feeling incredibly happy and filled and in total awe of life, how it works, the mysteries, and the goodness.
and then today, after the simple misfortune of arriving at my studio only to realize i had forgotten the door key at home, well, i totally, and in a split second, found myself tearful about everything and nothing at all.
there is so much in the works over here. and although it’s all wonderfully aligned with my creative dreams, ultimately i just want to be with my husband inside a life where we see one another every single day. where we fall asleep together most evenings. and where we share meals together throughout the week. i miss him, and our life together, in ways that make my heart sink. it’s been over two years now of this strange and haphazard existence of being in oakland while john completes graduate school. and although our dreams have truly taken flight, it’s been so much work. so much travel. so much time apart. like so many months these past two years, we’re back to seeing one another only on the weekends. although we try our best to talk everyday and to keep our connection as strong as possible, i know we’re getting tired of this life and most importantly, we’re missing the details. and so much of life and love live in the details. i suppose this is what i miss and what i try to cling to over the telephone line…we keep giving one another pep talks: just two more months until graduation and no more weeks apart. just two more months and we can move back to the northwest. just two more months and we can finally get our lives back. although i’ve never been comfortable with the idea of living in the future, it’s what currently gets me through these hard weeks apart as my happy daydreams of what’s to come keep me company. have i mentioned how proud i am of john? and of us?
i have always loved that nothing ever seemed too heavy in my everyday life, or too hard, or too complicated when i knew i had john and love to look forward to. and this remains unchanged..i still feel this every single day, even when we’re apart. it’s what gives me perspective: love. tonite, as we snuggled for a bit, he said to me in the most tender of ways, “i’m so happy to be married to you.” and my heart fell in love all over again.