I can see it now. How I’ve gave away pieces of my voice these last couple of years. Subtle, over time, a little here, and a little there. You know how we don’t realize what we had until it’s gone or until it returns? Yes, it feels like that. Earlier this year, when I could feel my confidence coming back, I recognized my voice again – a lovely, most welcomed thankyoujesus gift. Oh, there you are: there’s your spark, your funny, your wise, calm self. How nice to see you again. I. Have. Missed. You.
I don’t believe we lose our voices, but rather we give them away.
And I can see now – the very exact, specific moment when I began to give mine away.
It was a birth that confused my spirit – a hard reconciliation of being the day my beautiful son was born, but also a day that prompted a post traumatic response which then prompted the unraveling of my voice. Strange – beautifully strange – how our greatest teachers are often single, heart aching, slow-motion moments where we begin the dance of either losing (giving away) ourselves or finding ourselves. I could write an entire book about that pivotal moment.
We all have those pivotal moments, don’t we? They are the moments that break us open. They are our greatest teachers.
After the birth, I fell in love with my son, fell into new motherhood. Add in the intense demands of a business growing exponentially around me, and I I made the mistake (one of my best mistakes for all it has turned out to teach me) of simply not giving myself the time I needed to recover my voice and confidence that was shaken.
Instead, I just kept going, like a machine.
Managing deadlines. Growing my biz. Being a mom and spending as much possible time with my baby. When I wasn’t working, I was with my family. When I wasn’t with my family, I was working. I left no space for much else. For awhile there, I was just getting by in my work, in my marriage, in my friendships. During those months, the only thing that got my absolute full attention was my son. And just like that, little by little, my already shaken voice and sense of self began to slip further and further. Without knowing it, I was choosing, in small ways and in big ones, to carelessly give it away. That choice meant sacrificing my relationship not just to myself, but to others – there’s a real price I was beginning to pay.
I have learned a really hard, necessary, beautiful, universal lesson that most of us already know but often neglect to fiercely hold onto:
We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we choose not to stand in our power. We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we choose not to protect our boundaries and carry someone else’s shame/anger/etc that doesn’t belong to us. We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we choose to sacrifice self-care over other-care. We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we choose not to shine. We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we become other-esteemed and not self-esteemed. We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we don’t challenge the shame/gremlin/self-defeating stories we tell ourselves, all day long.
And perhaps most importantly, we give away our voices in the micro/everyday moments when we choose not to bravely show up inside our beautifully messy, often complicated lives. We must honor, and tell our stories, all along the way. It’s how we speak our truth and know our voice.
I’ve been reclaiming my voice for awhile now. To the girl who says no more often, who speaks up when she has a question, who takes a couple hours out of everyday to do anything that nurtures her soul, who firmly stands up for herself and her work, who is astonishingly sensing, who makes choices that are best for her family and disregards the judgments of others, who claims her courage as honesty, who owns her significance, who celebrates her quirks + her superpowers, who loves flowers and being outside, who loves music and art and silence, who has something to say.
Our voices are precious. Beautiful. Important. And they change the world.
May you be careful with yours. Be fierce around protecting it, nurturing it, and celebrating it, always.
XO
Kelly Rae
Wow,I cryed when I read this. It was just what I needed to here today. You have such a gift with words! I so relate to everyones comments here today too. A big thank you for this post today!
Wow. Did this post ever hit me with some big A-Ha moments!!! I also lost, no ~ gave up ~ my voice after the birth of my first-born son. In a much different way than you though…
So much of what you write here seems as though you were writing to/for me me. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here, you have truly touched my heart with this one.
I quoted some of this post, linked to it in a post on my blog, I hope you don't mind.
Thanks again for these powerful words!
Kelly Rae, I too am finding my voice again. Amen to that, the process, to US all! I'm stepping courageous even though I may not know where my foot will land becuase I have the confidence it will land amongst my authenticity and that is a great thing!
Thanks for always sharing.
Hugs and love,
Jeanette
I had a total a-ha when I read your sentence about protecting our own boundaries and not carrying shame and anger that doesn't belong to us. THAT is what I have been doing in a specific relationship and haven't been able to find the words . . . that helps so much!! Thank you!
Thanks for this post, so beautiful so true!
Your words "We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we choose not to protect our boundaries and carry someone else's shame/anger/etc that doesn't belong to us." These words have touched me today. :)Thankyou Kelly for your wisdom and insight.xx
I think that was the most beautiful blog post I've ever read. I've said to many other mums about the importance of remaining YOU when you become a mother as despite the fact you have the most vital job in the world of raising a precious little human YOU are still important, you can't switch yourself off because that's not how humans are wired up!
It probably takes until your kids are about 4/5 to give yourself full permission to start claiming back your voice. I've been through a lot lately and this weekend I'm off to London for a minibreak with a girlfriend as my kds are old enough to be left with their dad and come away unscathed! This weekend is me letting my voice sing as I explore all the wonderul art galleries in my capital city, it is for me and it feels so good!
Thank you Kelly!
Thanks for being brave enough to share your experience. It's amazing how fast we can lose our confidence and give away our voice. Your post is such a good reminder for us all. And I'm very happy you're reclaiming your voice!!
Beautiful and inspiring. I'm so glad you are finding balance.
Kelly Rae, I found some peace in reading your blog today. There was a time I had a very successful art career, 4 children, sweet hubby and then came the grandkids that lived with us about 75% of the time. It was then I lost my self. I went thru all the motions it took to make it work. Painting til the wee hours so I could be super mom in the daylight. Then one day my hubby and I looked at each other and said "who are we?!?" Somewhere in all the business of doing what we thought we had to do we forgot to do the things we want to do. There is a balance. We worked thru it and I am now trying to find my way back into art. Relearn. Relax. And letting go of a lot of things I carried that aren't mine to fix is a lesson I struggle with. I guess the shorter version is
We aren't alone in this journey. Don't wait til you are 57 to figure it out. I look to your art as inspiration of the catching up I have to do in my own creations. Keep inspiring and still take time out for YOU.
YES! YES! YES! I love these words you have written here. Such truth and honesty and BRAVERY from you, Kelly Rae!
I too am just again finding my voice. It was given away the moment my daughter came into this world. A moment that shook me to my core and led me down the path of the inside out vulnerability of new motherhood. After a complicated pregnancy and an even more complicated birth, insanely painful recovery from an unexpected emergency c-section, and a little being who tore my whole world up (ultimately for the better), I too lost most of my voice.
There are snippets that come back to me. I'll hear myself tell a story or a joke and think, "That felt like it used to feel, I feel like I used to feel" and then other moments when I am still lost and just don't really know where I'm headed.
But I truly believe in what you said, that life challenges us and in order to understand yourself and grow a stronger, deeper, wiser voice, you must complete the challenge knowing that in the end, it was for the greater good of your soul.
Thank-you, truly, for your unfiltered bravery. Your words are so much like a lot of us, that it really binds us all together. As people, as women, as mothers. And knowing there are other souls out there thinking and doing those very same things you are, can sometimes calm the weariest of us.
What a beautiful and touching post! I have slowly (unknowingly) given away my voice… I noticed that it happened more when I got married and soon after my husband got sick. I put caring for others first and letting my light dim. I am still struggling to find that brave girl that I once knew. I believe that I am close…
Thank you for your writings! Always inspiring!
I feel every word you wrote with my heart and soul….except I am now finally reclaiming my voice 18 years after my first child was born. The catalyst was turning 50 last month. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your journey.
Thank you – for expressing what I feel at this moment, for making me know I am not alone in the way I feel, and for giving me hope and courage to get back to myself.
Thank you for speaking the words of my heart, so perfectly. I love my voice a LONG time ago and unlike you, I have no idea how to get it back. Thank you for giving me hope that one day I may find it.
Hugs to you xx
Even though I have read her book, that Elizabeth Kubler Ross quote made me cry as did this post! So powerful. When I see young women struggling to juggle motherhood and life my heart beats with empathy remembering how wonderful and sometimes daunting it all is.Great advice for all.
I revere my time with family, music, and silence. Some may never understand that!! But oh well…it has to be!
Hugs Giggles
Amen…..Blessings to you….
A brave and beautiful post today. This mom and would-be painter and writer thanks you today. It's an ongoing struggle sometimes but words like this help a lot. x
Beautiful and well said. I so needed to read this right now, as I am a new mom who also has been feeling like I'm losing my voice. Maybe the two go hand in hand? Anyway, thanks for this post. It meant a lot.
Thank-you. Insightful, beautiful, truth.
"We give away our voice in the micro/everyday moments when we choose not to protect our boundaries and carry someone else's shame/anger/etc that doesn't belong to us." Chills. I have not lost my voice but I feel this struggle daily as I protect my boundaries as a mother and "make choices that are best for [my] family and disregard the judgements of others." It takes courage, it does, and can be exhausting. But I rest in the knowledge that little by little I am changing the world. Thank you for asserting that here, I'll refer to it on challenging days.
Absolutely beautiful! I love this heart-felt posts so much. Thanks for sharing…
Kelly,
Your truly have a gift! Thank you as always for your encouraging words and vulnerability… without that there is no growth and connectedness! Thanks again— Shawn Petite
Kelly, I am so happy that I have discovered you. Thank you for your bravery in your writings and for sharing these with us. I've also given my voice, my power away more times than I'd like to admit but as I get older (39 now)I have found more respect for who I am and that I'm important too. As women it seems that we tend to be so good at taking care of others but often forget to take care of ourselves which leaves the well empty. May we all stand in our own truth, be seen, be heard and be loved by our own self.
You have such a way with connection. Thank you… For me
@ 45, after raising 2 beautiful sons, I find myself with the gift of time. Time to truly listen to my soul, and follow my heart…. I am enjoying the journey, I am enjoying the discovery of beautiful like minded people like you. Thank you for your gifts. I can't wait to see what my next chapter will bring.
Your voice is heard deep in my soul; it resonates beautifully within me. Without a voice we have no core. Without a core sense of self, who and what are we? Painfully we know and can feel we are void of any real power, boundaries, self-care, and self-esteem. It is precisely through our voices which forever yearn to be heard that we regain and reestablish our "stories" and personal narratives! Bravo Kelly Rae; your voice is well heard!
absolutely wonderful, I can really relate to your writing. Thank you for your courage to share this! <3
Your post made me weep, because "I know" and need to find my voice again. Thank you for these words.
I really needed this. Thank you so much. XO
You know, I think that motherhood does that to us. Its overwhelming, it takes us, we are by necessity obsessed with this other, for whom we are caring for, who is dependent on us. And, then, when they get to about 3, we start to return to ourselves again. Its like a return. It happens in stages too, up until then, but its like they are safe and established enough for us to become ourselves again. Ah, well that is how it was for me. At 3 and a half I went away on an art retreat, something I had been reading about (in your blog!!) and yearning for from afar. It was the first time I had left my son for so long. It FIRED ME UP. It fed MY soul. Nourished ME. And I came back a changed woman. Ready to reembark upon and in life. DEFINITELY a returning to my voice. THough one that had had a break, broken open, been through something and been transformed. ha. ANyway. yes. welcome back lady. xxxx
Kelly Rae you are always so honest and so wise with your posts. I myself can completely relate to this one and I think that is a massive part of your success…your truth and ability to connect with so many other mothers, women and people. Well done for being so brave and sharing yourself with others. Thank you!
Well said! I certainly lost my voice for many, many years while raising my children. It has been a long road back and I still don't feel I've arrived yet. I do think though that there is a season for all things, and when that job is done the journey can continue. The important thing is to be able to say to yourself 'I did my best' in whatever it was that had your focus.
I absolutely loved this post, I will be coming back to it from time to time so that I remember to be strong in my voice. Thank you. t.xoxo
So well spoken. I love this. LOVE.
I have lost my voice. My husband has terrible health problems. I have gone from wife to care giver. I just noticed lately what happened. It is subtle, this losing your voice. It is sneaky and disguised. I am trying to find myself without hurting those I love the most. It is a slippery, treacherous road, but I know I must travel it, or risk losing myself completely. Thank you for your inspiration.
I've had this same topic on my mind lately – losing myself after becoming a wife & mommy. Your blog was so timely and it went straight to my heart. 🙂 Thank you for opening up and sharing!
Beautiful, thank you x
Absolutely beautifully truly wonderfully said.
YES!! As a fellow artist and homeschooling mom of ONE. INTENSE. SON. and a day job (in addition to my art) to keep the household above water….yes….I hear everything you say here. Motherhood can eat a Self. And it takes so much courage to recognize it and climb your way back. Thanks for writing this. I will share it.
Thank you for sharing…I have recently been having the same thoughts about losing my sense of self but not knowing when it happened or how to get it back. Your artwork and blog are like a hug from spirit. 🙂
love that you are finding you again. it seems so many of us are finding ourselves again. and it feel so so good! xo, kelly
Just….thank you.
I hear you! My all time favorite {soul}firmation- affirmation for the soul is : MY VOICE IS HEARD.
Thank you so much for this brave post. I used to judge myself and wish I could change how long I needed to recover from certain events, or how much care I required, or how sensitive I am. But now I see those are part of my complex being (and contribute to the gentle, caring way I view the world). The better care I take of myself, the better self I am out in the world.
After losing two loved ones recently and some other difficult events, I have felt worn out–and am tempted to throw myself into work (which I adore) and other distractions from the deep soul-level healing that needs to take place. Thank you for reminding me, and for validating this: we must take good care of ourselves. It'll catch up one day if we don't. You may have just helped keep me on the right (gentle, loving) track. Thank you.
Thank you for this Kelly Rae. I've had a really really hard day of self doubt and stomping all over myself for not knowing all the answers yet. This post has helped me see that maybe days like this are leading me right where I should be…it's part of the process. Be well.
Thank you Kelly Rae. This is in perfect timing for me. Working on accessing how I define/cope with "vulnerability" now. Ever-evolving and learning. Love, from my shop to yours.
Kelly Rae~This made me think of some of writer Susan Griffin's essays which I think you might like, but even more so Claire Dederer's book "Poser"~your reflections resonate: well said & bravo !
You always have such an amazing way with words-so beautifully written and can tell from the heart. Your art and words helps others, always remember that! I blog too, its my saving grace-a way to get my words down and pour my heart out. Lots of smiles! Melissa