My wellness journey, Part One

Oct 17, 2017 | Life in Progress

(before/after photos of my face.)

About 10 months ago I joined a gym with the goal of up-leveling my body wellness practice. For many years, my wellness practice has been excellent when it comes to my heart, my mind, and my spirit. I felt it was time to put in the same amount of love and energy to my physical wellness – to make a wholehearted decision to take better care of my spiritual vessel, this body I’ve been given.

Body wellness/fitness has never been easy for me, especially in the last many years as I’ve gotten older (I’m 42) and with a diagnosis of PCOS. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started down a fitness path only to give up. In fact, when I started this latest journey, I didn’t really say a word about it as I didn’t quite trust myself and whether or not I would stick to it.

Ten months later, I can tell you that it’s not only stuck, but committing to a life of fitness has changed my life.

I have a lifetime of this particular wellness journey to go, but I am physically stronger than I’ve ever been. I am also inhabiting my body in ways I’ve never done. I am sleeping better. Coping better. Parenting better. Living better.

For those of you who are interested in how I went from avoiding sweating at all costs to loving it, below are a few journal posts that share my story, what I’m learning, and more.

February, 2017 (3 months into my journey):

This is my roll-out-of-bed and get dressed in joy look for the gym look. I’ve been consistently working out now (circuit training style) for a little over three months. I’ve lost a little bit of weight, but more importantly I’m feeling really strong and my endurance is improving. Sticking with it. I’m also going to join Weight Watchers with the goal of learning more about making healthy food choices.

Early March, 2017 (4 months into my journey):

My journey of fitness continues. It’s been four solid months of consistent intense training. I’ve plateaued a bit with my weight loss (gonna start tracking my Weight Watcher points more strictly), but my heart health, endurance, energy, and discipline have come VERY far.

I am proud of myself for finding the time, for allowing myself all the feelings and doing it anyway, for not giving up, and for staying the course even when all I wanna do is eat pasta and take a hot bath at the end of day. A huge part of my sticking with my gym appointments has been having a gym buddy to hold me accountable. Thank you Lynx for being my fitness buddy and for being in this particular journey (among other life journeys) with me.

Late March:

John and I are on our way to our first partner training session at the gym. We have decided to have weekly gym dates, followed by date night, followed by my favorite thing to do (sleep).

Early May, 2017 (5 months into my journey):

I’m currently in NYC. I decided to keep my workouts going while I’m here by attending Orange Theory classes. They are HARD, but I’m feeling amazing that I can get through them.

June, 2017 (6 months into my journey):

It’s been six full months since I started working out. I’m not sure I’ve ever stuck it out this long when it comes to fitness.

It’s been a slow slow slooooow journey (years) of no longer feeding myself like I fed my teenager self and it’s been an even slower journey of shedding the weight I’ve gained these last four years.

I believe that we get our lessons when we’re ready to absorb the wisdom. And what I’ve learned these last six months is this: anything requiring major shifts in our beliefs, habits, narrative, and relationships (both with ourselves and others) is a spiritual journey. I didn’t expect the weekly practice of getting my body to the gym would be a spiritual practice, but it is.

Our bodies are sacred. The practice of caring for them is sacred. And so. I’ve pushed my limits, and have done something I never thought I could do by making the time and making it happen despite the story in my head insisting there were other higher priorities on the list.

I have lost a solid 15 pounds and I’ve gained a new healthy habit that makes me beam with energy and a major sense of accomplishment.

Late June, 2017:

It’s been two full weeks since I’ve worked out (hello travel schedule!) and I have missed it. I’m not really in the mood today (re-entry is hard) but feeling like I need to make it happen. And so, here I go.

Also,  I recently graduated from my personal training sessions. Truthfully, I’m a bit nervous as I feel like I’m a bit on my own, but I also know I’m ready. Like all hard things, we are meant for the miracle of ushering ourselves through with courage. I cannot thank my trainer (Hi Kori!) and my dearest friend (Hi Lynx!) for nudging me onto this journey.

My goal is to lose a few more pounds and increase my cardio endurance by the end of the year. Slow moves, one step at a time. I want not only a strong spirit and heart, but a strong body that is capable and ready, a warrior vessel to help me create and make and do what I’m here to do. A sacred vessel for this sacred life.

Early July, 2017 (7 months into my journey):

I Just got done with my evening workout. It’s been about 7 months of working out (strength training and most recently, high intensity cardio). I also started counting weight watcher (WW) points somewhere in there.

As of today I’m about 18 pounds lighter. I feel really GOOD. I am not too strict on the WW points (but it helps me make better choices for sure) but I’m very consistent with working out. And now I actually look forward to my workouts vs dreading them. And slowly but surely the weight is coming off.  Small steps.

I have plateaued many times in the last 7 months but I’ve learned to trust the process and that my body knows what it’s doing and to just keep showing up. I have a deep sense that this fitness thing is shifting things I can’t even imagine yet. And I suppose it’s not my job to know. My job is to just keep showing up for myself and enjoy the feeling of being strong and healthy in body and mind and soul. Strong and healthy for the win.

First time back in a week. I cannot believe how fitness has become integrated into my life. Considering it was never my thing, not even when I was a kid (never not once played a sport). Considering I used to not like sweating. Considering I have an extreme dislike of the music that is played during high intensity fitness classes. Considering I can think of a million things I would do instead of exercise (eat and sleep) in the evenings.

But now. But now is different. I am learning so much on this fitness journey. Not the least of which is that I love sweating. LOVE it. Sweating, to me, is like the struggle we sometimes go through in our inner lives as we search and seek for peace, those hard places that come before the clarity arrives. Sweat is like that. It’s like the external twin to the internal resistance that we have on the way to healthy changes.

August, 2017:

Current attitude. After a week off for work/travel, I’m back at the gym. Truth: I am so tired from life that I wanna be in bed and not here. But if there is one thing I’ve learned these last many months of this fitness journey, it’s that I just have to show up and inevitably I burn calories and return home happy I made a choice that was good for me. One brave and good choice after the next, yes?

Making it happen, y’all. Making it happen. Last week I was all meh. This week I’m back to it. 8 months into my fitness journey and I’m definitely learning that it’s about overall/macro forward motion vs getting caught up on a string of days that could have gone better. Hello self compassion. And perhaps more importantly in a million different ways, permission to TRUST that all of my efforts will not go out the window if I have a meh week. Ditto for everything in life that is worth the soul work.

For the last many months I’ve gotten the fitness/sweating thing down. I have also made some food changes but that has been more slow going than the sweating it out piece of my journey. Slow and steady and one thing at a time has really worked for me.

Above are my morning smoothie ingredients that I have most mornings.

Sept, 2017:

And so it begins. Very VERY humble yoga beginnings, y’all. I am working on adding some yoga to my weekly weight/cardio workout schedule and I’m digging it! Today was  Vinyasa. I have always found yoga poses super hard to hold but I can definitely tell that all the muscle building/cardio endurance these last many months is helping toward that effort. I’ve slipped quite a bit on the food front these last many days (a dear friend is in town, which means staycation, which means more relaxed food choices), but I know that will balance out soon. Here’s to lots of self kindness, permission, and trusting in the overall balance of our flow.

My fitness journey continues! I really am enjoying getting stronger. I’ve lost many inches, but most importantly I earned strength, a bit of pride (I’ve never stuck with a fitness routine like this before), and a boatload of gratitude for my fitness and wellness tribe that I see when I’m at the gym.

This has been such a powerful journey for me, and has really enhanced my overall wellness (eating healthier, sleeping better, etc) and life.

I’ve added in Barre classes into my weekly routine at my gym. Holy smokes, it’s hard, but also super gratifying. I’ve done classes like these before (long ago) and I love how STRONG they make me feel.

Transformation photos:

18 pounds. Several inches. But most importantly, strength, self compassion, trust, allowing it to take as much time as it takes, and so much more.

I have been thinking about why I’ve stuck to this particular round of fitness vs previous rounds throughout my life (that I’ve started only to quickly give up). I think the answer is long, with lots of variables, but I can definitely say that finding a smaller gym with people and instructors I like (as in I would hang out with them in real life) has been key. Having a fitness buddy has also been key. Although my friend (Lynx) and I don’t meet up for every single workout, we are in constant contact about “what class are you doing today?” and “when can we workout?” and “do you wanna soak after working out today?” and “OMG, you have to take XYZ class. The instructor is awesome.”

I’ve never had these two pieces in my life when it came to fitness, and it’s changing everything. I think we all want to feel like we belong somewhere in all aspect of our life (fitness, school, family, work, etc) and when we can find/cultivate those experiences for ourselves, it motivates us to keep showing up and deepening our belonging to the experience.

After about 10 months of cultivating it (i.e. showing up), I can say I now feel that sense of belonging to this particular part of my life and that feels really motivating to keep showing up. In so many ways, I’ve also found my since of belonging to myself – a way of showing up for myself in an area of my life that only I could cultivate. Feels good.

I’ll be sharing more of my wellness/fitness journey here in  this space in the months to come. Feel free to ask me questions and I’ll do my best to answer in the comments. If you don’t want to miss a blog post, be sure to sign up to receive them in your inbox (check over there >>>>> to sign up).

Here’s to all things transformative, especially the kinds of transformations that happen when we give ourselves the kindness, love, and attention we deserve.

Big love,

SaveSave

Sending much love,

Show/Hide Comments (58 comments)
58 Comments
  1. Mary G. Anderson

    Dear Kelly Rae Roberts,

    You inspire me! I love your art work, your style, your gorgeous family and beautiful, funny dogs… I am crazy-in-love with your flowered tights– are you ready to start a exercise clothing line? I have never seen anything so cute, happy and fun.

    All my life I have felt like an uncoordinated, unmotivated, lazy person. Sweating seems so barbarian to me– however I might just get my act together and if I had a pair of the cutest exercise tights in the USA– hmmmm. Seriously, you inspired me again and I am going to step up and step out into a more healthy lifestyle.

    Keep up the good work and know what joy you bring to others… thanks, Mary

    Reply
  2. myrna

    Bravo Amiga!!!
    just read this, i received your email this week. I just love your genuine-self and that you want to pass-on your knowledge, experiences so freely to us. I too have tried to change my eating and physical activity. Was good for the last 2 1/2 months, I lost 15 lbs…. but my birthday celebration came followed by virtigo (which sucked) and i stopped my wellness-journey gaining half of it back, but reading your own journey (which is NOT EASY like most us, but you “show-up”) inspired me to show-up, saddle-up, & just commit! Gracias por tus palabras !! HERE I GO……………….

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Wishing you the best, Myrna as you keep showing up!

      Reply
  3. Christina

    Thank you for sharing your journey so publicly and honestly. It is so inspiring! Also I really appreciate the self-compassion wisdom that you’ve also shared here about allowing yourself your process and that it takes as long as it takes, and the “showing up”. Soooo important for women & girls to hear this piece about kindness and showing up for ourselves. I needed to read that today.

    Also I saw your comment about your leggings with your own art on them and thought wow, how fun! Thanks for the info on Mod Thread. I’m curious, if you wouldn’t mind sharing about whether you had a good experience (quality, etc.) with them?

    ~ with deepest thanks

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Thank you, Christina. I agree about women + girls needing this message so much. As for the leggings, quality is good, but a bit pricey and I don’t love that you can’t see the full front and back of the pants before you can approve visually. I hope this helps. Definitely worth a try.

      Reply
  4. Lorell

    Hey Kelly, congrats on your progress so far! After all, I think progress is way more important than perfection. I appreciate your willingness to post about your fitness journey.

    I’m not overweight, but like a lot of girls, I’ve had my body issues over the years. My own weight goes up and down as I struggle, get back on track, etc.

    I have learned, though, that exercise improves the quality of my life and each day I do it. I enjoy several fitness activities, but one I’m pretty proud of is that I take a weekly ballet class. I’m not as graceful as I’d like, and I wobble a lot, but I enjoy it. I used to have pain in my ankles and feet from tendinitis, but they are stronger now and pain free. There are a million little benefits I see in my life from working out and trying to stay physically active.

    Best of luck as you continue on your journey.

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      I love your perspective, Lorell. And love that you do ballet. YES!

      Reply
  5. Jane Hinchliffe

    I’ve actually been in this process myself for the last 18 months or so but have lost my way recently. You’ve inspired me to carry on and get back on track. Thanks Kelly.

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Thank YOU Jane! So glad we’re on this journey together.

      Reply
  6. Cindy

    This is so awesome! Congrats to you! You have inspired me to be patient with my body as I progress on my wellness journey. Thank you so much for sharing this!

    Reply
  7. Stephanie

    Congratulations Kelly Rae, what a transformation! I have a similar background, movement wise. Never played sports, never really exercised. This year I felt called, like you, to take better care of my physical self. I am on Week 8 of a regular weekly practice: 3 structured workouts that include weights (because strength, YES!) and one walk or hike of at least 30 minutes. Slow & steady for the long haul… Again, congratulations and best wishes on your continued journey. : )

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      YES! Loving that you are calling it a practice. Yes, yes yes. Congrats to YOU!

      Reply
  8. Melissa

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I absolutely adore and resonate with your approach to wellness as an inspired, self-compassionate journey vs a need to change from the outside in. The world needs more of this message, this is what every girl/person should grow up learning & knowing ❤️

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Thank you, Melissa!

      Reply
  9. Susan

    I’ve been following you off and on for years. So glad I dug deeper into your fitness journey. This year has been challenging for me. Finalizing a drawn out divorce, moving to a new area close to family and being diagnosed with breast cancer. Had bilateral mastectomies in July and in the reconstruction phase now. Oh, and I turn 65 in November! As my body, mind, emotions and spirit has been changing I am ready to begin my own fitness and wellness journey. You words and story have inspired me to begin now. Thank you for shining your love and light into the world and into my life. ❤️💕❤️

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      You’ve been through so much, Susan! May you continue to heal in all ways and know that the time is always ripe for when you are ready. Small steps, my friend. Sending love.

      Reply
  10. Coreena

    Thank you for sharing your journey. It is exactly what I needed! I also like the idea of a sweat date with hubby each week!!

    Reply
  11. Darcy

    Dearest Kelly Rae, this morning I woke and didn’t go work out. I checked my Facebook and you popped up. I have followed your artwork and your amazing creative process for years…I find connection in what you bring to this world. You bring a raw sense of self and self awareness to the world that has really impacted me, then today you shared your journey. I sighed and smiled and thought to myself we all have struggles and for some reason it made me relate to you even more! I want to thank you for your ability to share our vulnerability, i can only imagine it’s scary for you to do just that! But I wanted to share that this post impacted me. Tomorrow I begin with my own sense of fear and vulnerability that I too deserve to take care of me. I want to thank you for helping shed a bit of loving light my way and as you said in your post….we learn things when we are ready to hear them, I am ready.
    Someday I will take a course with you, and maybe give you a huge hug, cuz you are. True light and inspiration in my life. 💕🦋🙏💕❤️

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Darcy,
      Thank you for this blessing. We are all just beings doing the best we can, no? Big love to you.

      Reply
  12. Candi McArt

    Kelly, I have followed you as an artist since shortly after my PCOS diagnosis. Your art has kept me going and fighting the good fight. It has been a light in the dark (infertility, miscarriages, fertility treatments, weight gain, weight loss, and now a bumpy road to adoption).
    My home is covered in your art. How did never know you were a fellow Cyster Warrior? I’m sorry you deal with PCOS too but I’m happy to have someone like you on our team! Thank you!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Hi Candi,
      I hear you, completely. It has been a dark journey for me as well, but it feels really good to get a hold of it now with physical challenges. It’s done wonders for me! Sending big love.

      Reply
  13. Susie

    Wow. It I sent so hard to find the time and make the switch and you are really doing it. Very inspired by your commitment, especially to get back to it after a missed week. Big challenge. Brava!

    Reply
  14. Kamsin

    Super inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I just found your blog recently and it literally made me cry it’s so beautiful. 💘

    Reply
  15. Jean

    I’ve followed you for the past 10 years, almost since you started your blog. I love how open and honest you are and how you tell things like they are! You should be so proud of yourself and your journey! I’ve always found a reason to stop going to the gym, either I was busy or I hurt myself working out. I finally decided that I could just quit. It’s been over a year now and I’ve gained weight and I have no energy. I need to get back to the gym! Thanks for the push!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Jean, sending you lots of wishes for self-compassion. I found it was KEY to letting myself off the hook and all the ways I shamed myself for not moving. One small step at a time. You got this.

      Reply
  16. sharon stanley

    Wow you’re doing amazingly well! You look great and obviously feel well and it shows. Congrats. I loved reading that you hate to sweat. I absolutely hate it and therefore resist exercise especially now that ‘personal summers’ are part of my life…sweating more is something I just don’t think I can do! But you are inspiring, so who knows, maybe I’ll give it a whirl again…!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Sharon, I recently had a shirt made that says #wecandosweatythings and it’s helped me embrace The Sweat!

      Reply
  17. Sally Wright

    So proud of you – – and, once again, inspired by you! I’ve been on a journey for the past 18 months, mostly weight loss on WW (25 pounds and still working on it!), but with just a little exercise. You are motivating me to step up the fitness piece — — a little heavy breathing and sweat is good for the heart and soul!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Congrats! That is big! YOU are inspiring me to step up my food choices 🙂

      Reply
  18. Katie

    Ok, you look AMAZING but more importantly, I LOVE how you are so aware of the process and the way it feels to be fit. I’ve been on a similar journey since agreeing to train for a half marathon in January and the way I feel has been the greatest shift. Losing 20 pounds and finding myself on the right side of the BMI/heart health/etc. chart is a pretty nice bonus! What a gift you’ve given yourself–time and space and health. <3

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      That’s amazing, Katie! Congratulations!

      Reply
  19. Julie

    Yowsa! You inspire me in your own “non judge mental” way. As always when I read your stuff. – thanks

    Reply
  20. Angie

    Holy abs!!! You look amazing and happy. Stay the path…even when it’s windy. You got this!

    Reply
  21. Danna Townsdin

    super duper proud of you! You look amazing! I am pretty good at the working out part, but the eating part not so much. You inspire me! Keep up the good work!!!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      I hear you. Working on making better food choices over here as well 🙂

      Reply
  22. Marisol

    Such an inspiring story of your fitness journey. Great job! Thank you for sharing it with us all.

    Reply
  23. Rosanne

    Well done you…you look great! Inspiring stuff!!!
    Maybe you might set up a virtual support group…I’d love to join! Just a thought!!!🦋🌻

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Not a bad idea. Let me give it a think!

      Reply
  24. Kelly Rae Roberts

    So so true!

    Reply
  25. Rebecca Walker

    So, so, so good for you. Your health and fitness are a gift not only to yourself but to your child. I have watched my mother–beginning in her late 70s and now into her 80s–struggle with health issues and now a disability that are ultimately the result of a lifetime of nursing and caring for others but largely disregarding her own body’s needs. I love her dearly and am always willing to assist and care for her when needed, but I have determined to work hard to keep my own health and independence as long as possible. We women always need to remember that putting our own health and needs at the top of the list is, in the long run, a gift to our loved ones. Stick with it!

    Reply
  26. Pam

    What an inspiration…I am ready to head to a gym and SIGN UP….It’s never too late..right? I would love to see your exact recipes for your smoothies and perhaps a breakdown of your schedule each day…did you go every day or several a week? What inspired you to keep on going when you felt like quitting?…our bodies are a temple and we need to honor the as such…thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Loving these questions. I’ll save them for Part 2, but I will say my mantra of just “keep showing up” even when I couldn’t go as much as I’d like kept me going. There is no measuring stick here. Just our own pace and building slow and steady steps in forward motion. Progress over perfection.

      Reply
  27. M

    Thanks for sharing your story, your courage and your sweat! I’m a few months shy of 40, with a PCOS diagnosis too. I can see myself in your “before” pictures. I have a lot of trauma around physical exercise and teachers, from childhood shaming – not able to do something or “keep up” due to my differences, having cerebral palsy. I don’t know where to start with exercise that’ll make me sweat….so much terror around a gym, a class, a teacher! Thank you for sharing your strength with us!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      I hear you. I think it’s SO important to find a gym that will support your pace. For me, that meant a pretty small gym where I have been able to feel comfortable in my body and with the other people there.

      Reply
  28. Sarah K

    How many days a week do you go?? Amazing transformation and super inspiring! This is so timely for me. Getting older and my body just has not felt my own for awhile. I’m really working on loving it, but I know I can do more for it. I have a membership I haven’t even used in several months but know I need to just begin again. I, too, struggle with the consistency and I SO WANT that to change. Thank you so much for sharing!!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      I started out two days, then three days, then for a bit there I was going 4 or 5. I try to aim for 3-4 days a week now. Sometimes I go less, sometimes more :). It’s about tipping the scales in the direction I want them to go in the long run. Slow and steady steps.

      Reply
  29. Corinne

    Congrats – you look amazing and I am proud of you (as a person across the miles who has read your blog for years)!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Thank you, Corinne!

      Reply
  30. Rosie

    Kudos, Kelly Rae, and thanks so much for sharing your journey – this is so inspiring and also encouraging!

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Thank you, Rosie.

      Reply
  31. Drake

    Kelly Rae,

    Thank you for sharing your journey in this public way.

    I love how you give voice to the conscious effort it takes to get back to a workout routine after traveling or having guests in town. And trusting the process, showing up doing the work

    I am currently struggling with working out. Prior to now it hasn’t been an issue. I want to engage again. It’s about health for me, not being a specific size or finding my worth in my size. My waist is becoming larger and thus increases my risk for many diseases. Breath. Practice self compassion.

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Totally hear you. It has been about health for me as well (related to my PCOS diagnosis which comes with a risk of diabetes). SELF COMPASSION and slow, steady, small steps. You got this.

      Reply
  32. lisa

    totally inspired! thanks for sharing! would LOVE to know where you get your cute leggings too

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Hi Lisa,
      I *think* you are referring to my artsy ones? Those are ones I had made with my artwork on them via an app called Mod Thread. The others are likely from Athleta 🙂

      Reply
  33. Marna

    Kelly Rae, this is awesome! I’m going to take it one day at a time too – “just keep showing up” is my new motto from today. Thank you xxx

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Yes, just “keep showing up” is a great one in all things, no?

      Reply
  34. melody

    You have and are doing remarkably…for yourself and that is why you are succeeding. I’m hanging in there too! Thank you for sharing the real of it all. ox

    Reply
    • Kelly Rae Roberts

      Thank you, Melody!

      Reply

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Hello + welcome!

I’m Kelly Rae Roberts

Before I picked up my first paintbrush at the age of 30, I was a medical social worker. I followed my creative whispers, and today I’m an artist & Possibilitarian. I’m passionate about creating meaningful art and experiences that awaken and inspire our spirits.

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