Like so many of you, I have always been a seeker, looking for deeper meanings in just about everything. I consider myself highly intuitive, a feeler, a seer of connections and meaning. I had a rough early life, and as I began to sort it all out, I started journaling at the age of 14 years old, collecting wisdom from anyone willing to share theirs with me. Most of my learnings came from women who have ushered me along my life’s path (friends, mentors, authors whose books I read, older women I looked up to but didn’t know, etc). It’s why I feel a strong connection to our collective sisterhood, and it’s also why I paint women and the wisdom and mantras that have been gifted to me as I made my way as a student in this life. As I like to say, I am grateful for the women who have walked with me, both in paint and in flesh, into art, love, and life.
Lately, my seeker self has been seeking a deeper spiritual self. These last couple of years I’ve had an extraordinary journey exploring this part of myself, the part that is Divine, that was born of God/Source/Light. And similar to the ways in which I was unexpectedly led to make art, I can feel something happening again, another kind of journey that is intuitively led. It’s big, exciting, and I’m not even sure what it is, exactly. I just know it’s the next level, a graduate course that will build on all that I’ve learned these last nine years since making my way into the creative life.
All of my life I’ve had ‘strange’ things happen – premonitions that came true, feelings of deep intuition/knowing, hits about something that was about to happen, and struggles with energies and the boundary work that came with that.
About 15 years ago, I found myself at a workshop about intuition. As I was leaving, the teacher came up to me and said she had a message from my father who had died when I was 8. As I stood there in tears and disbelief, she delivered some very sweet messages, and of course she knew things. How he died, what color car he had been driving, specific medical issues he had. She also told me something that haunted me for many years. She said that he had been trying to reach me, along with my guides and angles, to communicate with me, but that I wasn’t paying attention.
I had no idea what she was talking about – not paying attention? I never forgot it…..
Fast forward five years later and I discovered myself in the middle of a VERY accidental artist career. And as I practiced and grew my creative muscles, I began to see things and pay attention. And I loved what I was noticing: possibility in the impossible, joy inside unlikely places, beauty and light in the cracks of my hard places, deep connection in shared vulnerability. My life transformed in my 30s in this way. A whole new way of being in the world. I also witnessed firsthand how when we are led to intuitively do that which is calling us (even if we have no idea why), then the universe opens up, providence moves, and things happen in a beautiful, almost magical kind of flow.
Now, as I’m approaching 40, I can see how I’m beginning to open up to see even more, to pay attention even more, to go toward the mysterious even more, to be OPEN even more. And most important, it’s been women, again, who are ushering me into this newest awakening.
In the last couple of years, I’ve had women invite me to be a part of things I’ve never thought I’d do, and after resisting the invitations at first, I heard my intuition say “pay attention and allow the guidance.” And so I dove in and promised myself to stay open, to receive new ways of learning. I’ve said yes to invitations for intuitive/channeling readings that were gifted to me – readings where I’ve never received more guidance in all of my life. I’ve said yes to spiritual mother earth ceremonies where I’ve received profound visions and guidance that I will never forget. I’ve said yes to energy work where I have physically felt old body trauma released and healed. I’ve said yes to kundalini yoga and breathing (incredibly peaceful). I’ve said yes to guided meditations (totally new to me, but amazing). I’ve said yes to in depth astrology readings that have made my life make total sense. I’ve taken classes on how to communicate with my angels, guides, and divine inner knowing. I’ve devoured books on all things spirit/god/source, intuition, spirit world, life between lives, chakras, meridians, angel cards, and so much more. I’ve started writing and journaling again. I’m on fire with all that I know to be important on the seeker’s path. Mostly, I just feel at peace and joyful all at once.
In all this seeking, I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned that it’s not woowoo, but it’s actually awakening. I’ve learned tolerance for all beliefs that don’t harm. I’ve learned that my guides are with me, always, and that I can call on them. I’ve learned that Joy is a spiritual practice. I’ve learned that all those little coincidences that happen on the daily are Spirit, which is something I’ve always known but these little moments are amplified now. I get chills when I’m doing this spiritual work, when I’ve read something that resonates, when I breathe, and when I ask for guidance. I’m growing and connecting with my higher self and all the divine support that surrounds all of us. And now it’s a huge part of my daily life, my daily practice, my thoughts, my intentions, my art, and just so much more.
We are all holy. We are all a mess. The in between is where I like to live, learning to make the messes meaningful, and finding holy in the everyday.
So there you have it. I feel like I just came out of the spiritual closet! Here’s to awakening, loving, and having compassion for ourselves along the way.