I have been working with a trauma therapist who specializes IFS (Internal Family Systems) and EMDR. The IFS sessions are blowing my mind. Inside each session, my current adult self is reaching back through the years to my younger self. Lately, she (adult self) has been traveling way back to visit three year old me. I am comforting her. I am getting to know her. I am thanking her for the brilliant ways she kept me safe. And I’m trying, little by little, to convince her to come with me, to be free. To leave her post of vigilant protection.
It’s deep, good, solid work. And, as I travel back and visit these younger versions of myself, I feel an immense deepening of my love for myself. It’s astounding, really.
(NEW work, A Return To Hope, available here)
As I do this work, I imagine my future self looking back at me with awe. She is calmly waiting, holding space for what’s to come when all the parts of myself – the little me, the teenage me, the new mama me, the current me – all come together, fully integrated and free. She feels like Spring, this future me. She is what arrives after a long and dark journey of Wintering.
I’ve been thinking about how the timing of all of this. At almost 48 yrs old, my life has significantly calmed down. My child needs me a lot less. I’m no longer starting an art biz, growing and managing that art biz, and keeping myself endlessly busy. Inside the calm, I have found myself here, inside this wild mid-life journey, perimenopause causing all sorts of physical and mental ruckus, going on an inward quest to heal long held beliefs and traumas stored in my body. I couldn’t have done this work 5 years ago or even 2 years ago. My life wasn’t still enough yet. I trust that I’m right on time.
No matter where you may be, may you know this truth: You are exactly on time. And you are on a path of becoming. Be gentle on yourself along the way.
Big love, Kelly Rae