Many weeks ago, I shared a story on Instagram about experiencing depression these last many months. How some days it feels like heavy grief, while on others, it’s major fatigue, rage, and ambivalence. Mostly, it feels like I have very little life force or interest in what I usually love doing while at the same time having really mean gremlins in my head shaming me. Anxiety is familiar territory for me, but this depression has been so confusing and unfamiliar.
For the past many months, I have been inching my way into doing all sorts of things to help heal. I dove into therapy (EMDR, IFS) and learned so much about trauma. I thought I knew a fair amount, but there is more work / healing to be done.
I’ve been working with a medical team specializing in the stages of menopause. Turns out, my hormones are a bit wonky, including very low testosterone, which, I’m learning, can cause a lot of the symptoms I have.
I’ve been working on restoring my gut biome, too. I’ve been trying to shift some habits / beliefs regarding food so that I can deepen my self-care with nourishing meals vs my sugar addiction. This is huge / pivotal for me.
I’ve been working with a wonderful Psychiatrist who has been amazing, too
I’ve been gently moving and connecting with my body. Restorative yoga. Swimming. Walking. And giving myself loads of permission to rest.
All of this is to say that when an opportunity arose to attend Andrea and Laurie’s Wild Writing + Wonder retreat in San Miguel, I jumped at the opportunity. Writing has been tugging at me, well, forever. And I was up for an adventure with friends.
I’m so glad I listened to the whispers. Something woke up in me. There was writing so deep and real and intimate and Healing. There was wandering and finding beauty and getting lost in gorgeous San Miguel. And food tours and natural dyes. And conversation with dear besties and new friends, too. I loved it.
The entire experience felt like one of those defibrillator machines shocking me back into myself. Th retreat was so well timed. All the work I’ve been doing seemed to prime me for it. I’m reminded how powerful retreats can be, and I’m so grateful to have been on the receiving end Andrea and Laurie’s guidance.
I came home with a renewed beat in my heart, a quickening of delight in my step. Honestly, I am so relieved to feel the spark. I also came home with a Wild Writing practice, which I’m obsessed with. I also arrived home with the sacred reminder to seek and find Wonder outside myself, in the ordinary magic that lives in our everyday lives.
I will continue to do all the healing work I’ve been doing, but I’m so grateful for the little push of energy. It feels like a true gift.
PS: I can’t recommend Andrea and Laurie’s Wild Writing + Wonder retreats enough. You can learn more on Laurie’s site (I signed up for her online Wild Writing goodness) and Andrea’s, too.
Dear Kelly Rae,
I love your books.
You’re blessed and so talented. Mh prayer for you is that our God grant you complete healing so you can continue to do His work.
¡Hola! Me alegro mucho de que te sientas mejor. Te he leído con atención y así es como me siento yo, gran parte de mi tiempo, desubicada, sin ser yo misma, con miedo a todo y cuando salgo a la calle es como si fuera a perder el conocimiento, con estos mareos que no entiendo por qué me atacan. TEngo una gran ansiedad siempre, con miedos de todo tipo porque me gustaría poder controlarlo todo, y no se puede controlar todo. A veces no quiero levantarme de la cama y, sin embargo, quiero hacer muchas cosas: fotografía, viajar, pintar… pero no encuentro la motivación ni las fuerzas. No soy yo. Creo que estos años de pandemia, de aislamiento, han hecho mucho mal a muchísimas personas, entre ellas a mí. Deseo que te recuperes completamente y que nos sigas deleitando con tus trabajos y tus escritos.
Saludos desde Madrid. Spain