i’ve been feeling a bit jumbled up on the inside the last couple of days. i know this feeling is temporary and will soon pass, but whenever i’m feeling it, it feels inescapable. it seems that when i’m feeling overwhelmed, my response is to either become extremely laid back about things, or i do the opposite and become anxious and worry about every detail imaginable. i wonder, is this my flight/fight response? and let me just say the details of life these last couple of days have felt inumerable and unconquerable. for me, there’s nothing worse than knowing i’m feeling anxious, but not being able to move past it. theoretically, i know not to sweat the small stuff, that life is bigger than me and my thoughts, but my brain gets stuck in reverse sometimes. last nite john gave me some space to talk it out and try to figure out what was really bothering me (worrying about the details, i’ve learned, is just a symptom of something bigger, usually a fear). it was a good, freeing talk. i think i tend to internalize many of my day to day worries. as soon as i say them outloud and get to the bottom of it, i feel much better and back to myself. a big part of this for me is that i work with sick people all day and their families – many of whom are in crisis. as much as i love this work, if i don’t somehow release all of that stress/pain/worry i’m hearing everyday from patients/families, then it stays in my heart.
so today, i am feeling better. i woke up to john making a yummy breakfast for us, complete with pancakes and bacon and hot tea. he ran the race for the cure for me this morning as my knee is still painful from yesterday’s run. i have an MRI scheduled for my knee. not running my usual pace/distance/schedule has certainly contributed to my anxiety. i’m hopeful it will heal soon. i need to not run on it, but i can’t help it!