phony demons

Mar 7, 2006 | Life in Progress

i was reading Laini’s post about her fear of feeling phony and it just really resonated with me. sometimes i have a small grumbling negative voice that tries to convince me that i’m not really all the positive things that i hope and believe that i am. that i don’t really have anything important to say or do, or who really cares? that i’ve fooled everyone around me into thinking i’m sincere, thoughtful, talented. it’s a hint of a voice that gives me just enough insecurity to second guess my own intentions. is everything i do or say just to bring some sort of recognition or praise back to myself? years and years ago, i had a friend tell me that he just couldn’t understand why i was generally happy and carefree and he wondered if i ever had a moment of feeling off, down, depressed. it was as if my happiness = shallow to him. and his off-handed comment has stayed with me all of these years, because of course, we are all our own worst critics, and i’ve often wondered in the years in between if i come across too happy, too unattached, contrived, unbelievable, or shy of depth. of course, what i didn’t tell him was that i, of course, have my own private struggles, but even with them, i’m generally a happy gal. i know i’m blessed and i live in the moment, for the moment, because i am fully aware and attuned to the fact that this life, this short, beautiful, raw, life is for the NOW and that there is just no guarantee it will be waiting for me in the morning. i’m giving this way too much attention, way more for the small amount of times it enters my mind, but occasionally that small little creepy voice enters my conscious and makes me wonder, am i phony?

Sending much love,

Show/Hide Comments (3 comments)
  1. The Crafty-Girl™

    hi kelly…this is a really insightful post; i think there’s a fear in all of us that we may be found out to be “frauds”; you are so not alone here. Thank you for your kind words on my self-portrait post…i encourage you to try a self-portrait. i’ve found that like life, we see that there are parts that we like and parts that we like, but the overall picture is really not so bad!!! hugs, kelly

  2. Joy Eliz

    With a heartfelt post like that, there is no way you could ever be a phony.
    Here’s what I feel about myself …I don’t think I have a consistant personality. Depending on my mood and other external factors changes who I am for that brief period of time. I think people like to put things in neat little boxes. “Oh, your a …optimist, pessimist, type A personality, etc” but I think the personality is more complex than that.
    And when you actually start to think outside of what everyone else thinks, than there is something wrong with you…or at least that’s what were told to think.

    I hope that this comment makes sense and doesn’t sound like crazy ramblings…

    I just wanted to tell you I think you are perfect the way you are – no matter what mood.

  3. Laini Taylor

    Hi Kelly! It’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. I don’t really even know how to articulate it. I spend very little time thinking about personal growth, and I’m extremely un-neurotic, which I’m proud of but also, like you expressed, there’s this feeling of self-consciousness about it. WHY am I happy and un-neurotic? Is it because there’s just nothing to me? No — I don’t REALLY think it, and I’m very glad to spend my emotional energy on creating art instead of going through personal chaos, but there are moments of wondering if I’m just not feeling things as deeply as other people. Isn’t it funny that we can be made to feel shallow for being well-adjusted! I was in a writing class once where the teacher said, “raise your hand if you had a happy childhood” and I was the only one that did!! And you know, I didn’t believe that everyone else there had a sucky childhood. I just think writers aren’t supposed to admit they didn’t!


Submit a Comment

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Don’t want to miss a post?

Get my posts sent to your inbox as soon as they’re published!

Hello + welcome!

I’m Kelly Rae Roberts

Before I picked up my first paintbrush at the age of 30, I was a medical social worker. I followed my creative whispers, and today I’m an artist & Possibilitarian. I’m passionate about creating meaningful art and experiences that awaken and inspire our spirits.

Get the FREE

Possibilitarian Manifesto

+ a 20% off coupon!


This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Blog Categories

Recent Posts

Featured Freebies