it’s funny how one day i’m creating an affirmation painting (this one made for an upcoming project), and the next day i find myself on the edge of having the blues. i haven’t felt much like doing anything this week – except abandoning the to-do list all together and eating and watching tv. do you ever have weeks like this where you just feel blah?
i’ve barely been in the studio since before the holidays and i’m aching to get in there and get my hands messy and wet with paint color. i have visions of new girls, new hair, new ideas. out with the old and in with the new. i’m ready for a bit of a change. yep. but inside the depth of that change, i’m just hanging out. not much production going on this week. and what i find fascinating is the self-imposed guilt i have about it. about not being productive. about not painting. about not sticking to my goals. and on and on.
i was never a girl who carried much guilt – especially when it’s an external source/person imposing the guilt. but this guilt i’m feeling is completely internal and irrational, too. it’s unfamiliar territory and i’m learning what a pesky little bugger it can be. guilt. shame. perfectionism. it all streams together and i don’t like it at all. there’s nothing worse than feeling like you’ve disappointed yourself and in turn disappointed those around you. i keep asking for reassurance from john about it. and this is driving both of us nuts.
we’re all just people, i suppose. figuring it out. breathing in the daily trials and joys and lessons and heartbreak and triumphs. in my wanderings this week on the internet, i found this lovely woman (who is helping me spread some very cool kindness in the coming weeks) and her new project that has me all sorts of inspired. i also found this portlander (via friend mati rose) whose lists and portland mentions are making me happy. and jen lemen – oh how i want to meet this woman. i’m just going to put it out there. yep.
ps – thank you for celebrating with me in my last post (sincerely)… feels joyous to be able to announce big plans and dreams and even worries in this space and for it all to be received inside the arms of grace and community.