being still

“That I would be Good” by Alanis Morissette just came on the ipod. i love that song. it makes me feel a little weepy, but frankly, i’m feeling a little weepy. my mom sent me the sweetest card, with a little note in it, and it’s one of those cards i’ll save forever. and i’m not a saver. i don’t save my christmas and birthday cards for years and years. i only save letters and cards that really resonate with me. years later when i stumble upon them, it’s a gift all over again.

besides that, things have been a little stressful around here. our only car has been at the mechanic’s all week for an expensive repair and work has been unusually exhausting. i don’t want to be one of those people who are complaining all the time about how busy and exhausted they are, but lately, i can’t seem to get ahead and take a breath. i miss my friend lisa. i’ve barely seen or spoken to her since before the holidays. same goes for jessica. not to mention i’ve contacted almost nobody by phone in too long. clare called today for a quick minute and it was so great to hear her voice. i’m stuck and lost in a sea of logistics, work, and i don’t even know what. if you asked me what i’ve been doing with my time, i’m not sure i could produce much of an answer, besides having company. it’s not like i’ve been exercising, or reading very much, or writing, or creating, or really anything that fullfills me, and therein lies the issue, i suppose. the days seem really short. it’s dark when i leave for work in the mornings, and it’s dark when i leave work in the afternoons. and the rain is endless. it was sunny all day on monday and tuesday, and unfortunately for me, i was at work. it was actually national news that the sun came out for those 2 days, and i missed it. damn it! i don’t like admitting feeling defeated because when i think about my life and it’s blessings, i feel silly and down right stupid for complaining, but sometimes it just takes giving myself permission to just be where i am. letting it come and go, like the tide, and just feeling whatever it is, whether i should be feeling it or not. still, it’s hard to be in this negative space when i’m always telling myself to have perspective and to not sweat the details. it’s just not that simple sometimes, though i tell myself it should be. the never ending anaysis is exhausting itself.

in some really great news, john was offered an interview at a school in california the first week of february! i’m so proud of that boy. the other nite we had just snuggled into bed and i was telling him a funny and embarrassing story that had occurred at work and we just exploded into a full-on laughing fit. it was one of those laughs that keeps going and going, and before you know it, your cheeks are in pain with all the laughter. i love it when it happens. it’s never enough.

zach leaves tomorrow for mexico, then he’ll be back in 8 weeks. i swear i have not washed a single dish since zach arrived a couple of weeks ago. it’s been really great. he absolutely insists on not only doing the dishes every single day, but taking out the trash, giving really wonderful backrubs, and great yoga instruction. his sister brooke is here for her Body Talk certification for the next few days. it’s nice to see them together. they’re so good together as brother and sister. i heard zach talking to brooke about how much he liked her haircut and i just thought that was so cute and cool. it made me want a brother of my own, but then i realized that zach is as close to a brother i’m gonna get, which made me smile. he is one of the most encouraging people i’ve ever met.

garrett sent me Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs, but i’m in the midst of Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott, which is a really, really wonderful book. i love the idea of book swaps. i was originally going to send garrett A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, but after watching Oprah school him today on her show, i’m not so sure i should be sharing it….