the theme this week over at self portrait challenge is Blue. they must be reading my mind, as the blues have been with me lately – right there on the surface, not too close by, but more like the neighbor across the hall that i see now and again but don’t really know. the blues. they creep in one day and there you have it: something vague and misguided and very, very persistent.
i miss my man. he’s gone for another 8 weeks. home on the weekends, but still. i’m reminded that we live in a space and time in our marriage that is hard. sometimes really hard. all the intensity of his graduate school program coupled with still feeling uprooted from where we belong leaves us both feeling in a constant state of Temporary. time goes by fast, but feels heartbreakingly slow at the same time. daydreams of getting to our new + improved life are just that. daydreams. we struggle here to make our lives meaningful without a real place to call home. we struggle with taking care of ourselves. of taking care of our joy, our hearts. it all takes a toll, this feeling of not being grounded. i go months without feeling it, and then all of the sudden, especially lately, i feel its burden. i especially dislike this feeling of always waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting for something to change. for us to move. for this graduate program to be done. for us to start a family. for us to finally move back to oregon. for life to really begin again.
and all of that feels silly to say outloud because i sincerely feel the breath and joy of life in so many ways today and everyday. but i suppose i’m growing tired. it’s been a long year and half since moving here. the signs of mild depression have been all around me including an unbelievable 14 pounds gained since moving here. can you believe that? i will say, though, even with the blues, i’ve continued to feel really motivated toward better self care. i’ve been sticking to my schedule of work hours and play hours (which includes daily workouts) and i can feel the tide turning a bit toward lighter feelings.
sometimes it just takes sitting with what i’m sitting with, acknowledging its impact and moving on. that’s where i am. i’m sitting with it for now.