(a view into my closet post-clean out)
I can feel now how all this work to stay open and tender brings on a sense of fierce grace + fearlessness. I can feel now the power coming back to me, my sense of center being redefined. I can feel how the unraveling is guiding me back. The last two years of transition, change, and being cracked/broken open have lead me to the pealing back of one layer, then another, and then more and more. The layers have been piled high on my heart. I can see now that the deeper I go into peeling back the layers with gentle healing, the closer I get to what’s hidden beneath. The center feels peaceFull. It feels vulnerable yet undeniably strong. Tender but light. Unburdened and free.
It happens often in our lives, I think. Transistions mark our lives, and they mark the unraveling journeys back to our cores. For many it’s loss, divorce, illness that can trigger the unraveling down into the layers. For me, it was the trigger of my birth trauma followed by the remarkable journey into motherhood. This specific change/transition has inspired me to confront all the ways that I was living a half life. This has been the gift of motherhood, of a little boy named True who has given me the meaningful gift of sight, of really seeing who I want to be. I want to be whole.
With all of this in mind, I recently decided to let go of all my favorite clothes that I’ve been holding onto. Considering True just turned two, it’s been about 2 and half years since I’ve been holding onto bins full of skirts, jeans, dresses. They simply don’t fit anymore. I thought they would by the time he turned one, and then again when he turned two. I’m letting go.
Of course, it’s not about the clothes. It’s about the weight of holding onto the clothes. About the holding on to an older version of me that simply doesn’t exist anymore. About all the space they’re taking up in my spiritual closet, not leaving much room for new breath, new space, new life. It’s about gently letting go and creating who I want to be
. It’s about creating another clearing so that my new dreams
can be of service.
I spent a couple of hours one rainy morning going through each piece of clothing. I asked myself one question about each piece: Is it holding me back or pushing me forward? If the answer was holding me back, I let it go. It felt like a ritual. Like I was thanking each piece of clothing for all the ways it served my spirit in my pre-mamahood days, then I gently packed it up in a box with a wish that it would do the same for the next soul and spirit that it would serve. Sounds woo woo, but I can’t help it. There were a few tears shed. A realization that I’m all grown up now and that this new version of me now gets to be reflected in new clothes that fit this new body.
I made piles for donation, piles for gifting, and piles for consignment. Feels wonderful. As my soul becomes less and less burdened, so does my closet. Metaphors everywhere.
A couple of days later, I created this painting. It all gets expressed. Life is a magical journey, no?
What rituals, and cleanings are you creating? What lessons are you putting to rest? What lessons are you inviting in? I’d love to know.