denial is totally serving me at the moment

Jun 17, 2010 | Life in Progress

i love this photo so much. taken with the iphone. and i love our bus so much, too.
this morning i had a total meltdown as we were rushing around to leave the oregon coast and check out of our hotel. i was trying to frantically check and respond to emails before we hit the road as well as answering numerous phone calls coming in from various leads on our housing situation. yes, it’s true. as of this morning, we were still trying to figure out where we were going to live for the next five weeks. we had to move out of our furnished apt last sunday and we still, as of this morning, had no place lined up except to stay with a friend, and well, we don’t want to impose.
back to my meltdown. in the full rush and breath of about five seconds this morning, it all came into focus: what i’ve been doing these last many weeks, and what’s still ahead for us. i realized that i’ve been in total denial of all that is on our plate, but this morning there was a breath of focus that made me see it ALL and under the pressure of that clarity and focus, i crumbled. all of the sudden i was furious at both of us for waiting until the last minute on the housing thing and i was mad at us for being so swamped that it got missed and came down to the wire. i felt the burden of living out of suitcases and boxes these last many many weeks. i was overwhelmed and hormonal and feeling guilty for possibly being under too much stress while preggers. i was mad that we bought a house to renovate versus a home that was move in ready. i was upset with myself for overcommitting myself for the entire summer, even with closing the online shop. i was mad that this has been the worst may and june, weather wise, on record for portland. i was completely saddened that all of my art supplies are still in storage while we live in a state of ongoing transition. i felt a longing to paint. i was feeling sorry for my poor back that is aching more than ever before, for not getting good comfortable sleep. i was mad that i didn’t plan my time better, that i felt pulled in a million directions between house renovations (so much work), finding temp housing arrangements, pregnancy (so much to plan for and connect to), an ecourse that is kicking my ass time wise (even if full of eons of blessings), birthdays, friends, family, and building a life in portland. in the heavy of my meltdown, as john so tendering held all my pieces together, i realized that i’ve been in denial of being pulled in all of these directions, maybe because for the most part i’ve been so energized and inspired to keep it all together. but those moments this morning gave me a bit of clarity and allowed for a certain release that was totally necessary and needed. sometimes when we surrender to not having it all together, we start to actually get it together.
the truth is is that we all find ourselves in a pickle every now and again. i’m in a pickle. my heart is in the right place. but i’m needing to let even more go than i already have. i’m reminded of earlier this year when my physical limitations really dictated what i could do. i was off the map for a few months, but as soon as i started feeling better, i went full force ahead with a renewed and welcomed sense of adventure and inspiration. but now, after possibly over doing it, i’m realizing that i need to take another step back – to let all the unnecessary to do’s and bits wash away. i’m working on resting inside truth and comfort that i’m not going to disappear, that my art won’t disappear, that my creative biz won’t disappear, if i stop for awhile, if i take a break and tend, if i ask for forgiveness from those i love for not being as available as i’d like to be, if i focus on self care, and time management, if i give myself permission to be totally and utterly overwhelmed and nurtured by my husband.
i’m starting to realize that i might be one of those overly eager well intended creative souls who works on a cycle of go,go,go and then crash + burn. i think i really need to work on this. i’m getting there….it’s a constant struggle but i’m getting there. i wish inspiration wasn’t so hit or miss. but, for me, it is.
and i’m so HAPPY to report that as of this writing, we have secured a lovely furnished apt with cable (cable!) and wifi (wifi!) and we’re moving in first thing in the morning. i have a strong feeling that having a home for the next five weeks will help me settle in a bit with some comfort and tlc.

Sending much love,

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I’m Kelly Rae Roberts

Before I picked up my first paintbrush at the age of 30, I was a medical social worker. I followed my creative whispers, and today I’m an artist & Possibilitarian. I’m passionate about creating meaningful art and experiences that awaken and inspire our spirits.

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