i don’t know what i’m feeling

i really believe that what you put out into the world, both good and bad, comes back to you in one way or another. i believe it with friendships, with family, with strangers, with animals, with myself. i want to live my life so that the joy is mine, in giving and receiving. sometimes i wonder if i’m giving to others what they need. and is that something i need to concern myself with? i think so. or is it just the people pleaser in me? am i sincere enough? honest enough? too aloof? sometimes i think i need an assessment from the people in my life. like “yes, you’re a good friend, but you could really work on your listening skills.” or “you’re a real sweetie but enough yapping about yourself, already.” john and i sometimes touch base with each other about what is and what’s not working in our relationship. why don’t we do that more often in our friendships, family relations? don’t those need maintenance from time to time? i dunno. perhaps i’m being a bit sensitive and paranoid, but sometimes i wonder if i’m putting out into the world and into my relationships what they need. i just want to be a good friend. good partner. good dog owner. good person. i feel so incredibly blessed to have the friendships and relationships that i have, that i suppose i’m hoping the people on the other end of those relationships feel blessed to have me, too. but then that feels selfish. i don’t know what i’m feeling.