my parents went back home yesterday – mom was here 10 days, greggie was here 5. it wasn’t a planned visit, but after arriving home from the hospital and realizing we’d need the help after gina left, john and i put out and SOS call and mom hopped on a plane within days and greggie followed soon after. we are so lucky.
i’ve never felt so humbled by an experience before. and i’ve never needed more care before, both physically and emotionally. my heart feels like it’s totally come undone as it lets in all this love and transition. i barely know how to hold all of these pieces – the purity, the lack of sleep, the enormity of emotions, good and hard, the physical healing. as we tend to baby true (and let me tell you, he is precious with a capital P), our family and friends have been tending to us. this has been an unexpected acceptance for us. i think we thought we could handle it just fine. not so. we’ve deeply needed the help and it’s been humbling and rewarding and a deepening experience to be cared for in this way.
it turns out that growing mama wings is a delicate adventure and having my mom here these last many days to witness, to cook, to love on True, to hold my tears, and to simply hold the space has been a gift i won’t ever forget. i don’t often cry in front of my mom or admit to needing her as much as i do – i’m a bit stubborn and fiercely independent, but these last three weeks have been a watershed for me. i’m learning that sometimes we need to let the independence go, to let the tears rush in, to let love and tenderness show their hard and their beauty right there in the kitchen while pouring the milk, at the restaurant while trying to order, in a conversation with a neighbor on the sidewalk, in the arms of my mom. i’m so grateful for her love and attention not just to john and i but to baby true. he’s smitten with her and greggie. and it’s so wonderful to see and watch.
so yes, inside an experience where i thought i would be the one giving so much love and care to a new life, i’ve never felt more cared for – by john, by my friends, by my family, and even by baby true as he lives this journey with me. by letting it all of this love and help and care rush in and accept that this is an emotional journey, i’m giving myself permission to let the independence go, to let the tears come as they may, to let all the expectations and judgments go, to let this new love really explode into my life even if it terrifies me.
what a life. what a beautiful, all encompassing, messy, loved, true life.
i need to say that it’s important to me to share the real truth in this space. i’m not sad. i’m not depressed. i’m simply a new mama who like all new moms is wide open to this experience. i want to remember the delicacies, the intensity, the newness, the rawness of new love, the courage. i want to honor all of it. am i totally in love with True? yes. is that scary for me? yes. am i cracked open? absolutley. could i be a little less serious? sure. am i gaining more confidence? yes. but i’m also navigating the emotional recovery of an intensely traumatic birth while 100% embracing the gratitude and the joy of baby true while adjusting to a vulnerability i’ve never known before while managing on little sleep. it all exists together. it all matters. i’m taking it all in – funny, sweet, hard, strange, emotional, grief, lovable, even the hilarious moments of overwhelm (like the time where i drove myself to the PO this week only to lock myself out of my car while the ignition was still running!).
more soon. all is well over here. all is well. thank you to those of you who have been sending over your new mama stories. there is so much bravery in these shared mama experiences, i can hardly stand it.