a shifting

Jul 23, 2008 | Life in Progress

(“enough” 12×12 on gallery style canvas. prints avail in the shop. email if you’re interested in the original!)
(how my studio table looks today – several works in progress. feels good.)

the truth is is that it’s been a long while since i’ve painted consistently. between life and business, my creativity hasn’t been completely inspired for long stretches of time these last couple of months. that all seems to be changing and i’m feeling some serious pulls. i can’t tell you how happy it feels to not only be painting again, but to be wanting to paint again, to return to the table and feel the flow. i’m learning to accept how we ebb and flow, in and out, of inspiration.

i feel a shifting happening in my life as a whole. an expanding of self. of community. of spiritual understanding. part of me feels the shedding of layers, and the uncovering of some serious perspective. i was this close to getting all my hair chopped off today into a very short pixie cut – a tangible change or newness. i may still do it.

i had another neuro exam today. he was the first medical provider during the last few weeks to give john and i clear answers on what this is not. he was also the first to really settle our spirits, to listen to our questions, to ask important questions, and to simply take a non-invasive/non-alarmist approach. our hearts no longer fear the worst as it’s almost been completely ruled out and this is fantastic news. i have two more important diagnostic tests – one to 100% rule out worst case scenario, and the other to continue the search for answers.

in all of this, i’ve cried my eyes out, been terribly frustrated, written assertive letters to doctors with horrible bedside manners asking them to please remember their humanity, even when they see a million patients per week. i’ve talked out my fears, connected with my husband, with my family. in the end, where i am today and where i’ve been in the last several days is a space of feeling grounded, no longer afraid, no longer paralyzed by scary medical terminology, no longer powerless within the medical system. john is no longer worried about me and all of this is what it is. i may never have an answer, but i’m also learning just how healthy i am as almost every test comes back normal. i’ll take what i can get from all of this insanity ๐Ÿ™‚ even when it means i have an unexplained numbness and questionable spine mri.

all the best to all of you….may you find one tiny ounce of goodness in this sometimes haphazard and crazy life.

Sending much love,

Show/Hide Comments (23 comments)
23 Comments
  1. Eileen W.

    Dear lady,
    A pixie cut would be darling on you! Do it if you want to. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    You are supported by my thoughts and prayers for a healthier you- know that.
    Sending love and healing your way.
    Best,
    Eileen

    Reply
  2. Star

    So glad to hear things are settling down and you are able to focus more energy on your art and creativity. Thank you for sharing your encouraging new.

    Reply
  3. stef

    so happy to hear the tests coming back normal and that you’re speaking out to the not so nice doctors! wishing you love and goodness
    xoxo

    Reply
  4. tangobaby

    I’m glad to know that things are still looking “normal” for you, but I know what a challenge it can be to navigate the health care system. Hang in there, and keep standing up for yourself.

    Getting your haircut is a fantastic idea. I’ve always done a major hairstyle something during important transistions in my life and it always makes me feel better. There is something very powerful and symbolic about changing your hair.

    And a new lipgloss always helps perk up a sad smile. Treat yourself and get a YSL one with sparkles in it.

    Take care.

    Reply
  5. Joanie Hoffman

    I love your wish for each of us to find an ounce of goodness in life.
    Your spirit is wonderful.
    You are in my prayers.
    Happy days.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us readers and your wonderful creative spirit. My positive thoughts are with you.

    Reply
  7. Cherylyn Bredemann

    I have been a long admirer of you work, your blog and spirit. And can’t wait until August to have your book.
    I truly hope the doctors start to provide more answers than questions. In the mean time, I have created this healing muze, for another friend – but thought I’d send it your way also, even if it’s just electronically. Take care.
    -Cherylyn
    http://clynstudio.blogspot.com/2008/07/healing-heart.html

    Reply
  8. Victory

    Hooray! You are such an inspiration to me! I love your art as much as your sweet, positive attitude.

    Also, you should totally do a pixie cut. It would look amazing with your bone structure.

    Reply
  9. Cheppobunny

    Take a deep breath and think positive! Everything is going to be alright – you will see!!! Positive mind accroach positive things!
    And remember: YOU’LL NEVER BE ALONE!!!

    Take care and a warm hug to you
    Anke

    Reply
  10. DeniseLynn

    You are such a joy – your art and your heart speak so clearly to me. Your blog is beautiful and that tells me a lot about who you are inside. I lifted you in prayer today. You are brave; to share it with all; to write to doctors so full of themselves that they need to be brought back to reality and to hold you head high with a positive attitude of gratefulness. Bless You!

    Reply
  11. sperlygirl

    still holding you and your family in love and light. take good care.

    Reply
  12. Patti G.

    Kelly, I have been a way for a bit, but as I returned here, I just wanted to say that I am so proud of you for how you are handling your medical challenge! This is just a speed bump sweetie! Sometimes these issues that give us the most concern and truly shake us to the core, are just what we need to have a huge personal growth spirt!I am glad to hear so many tests are coming back normal, and that the fear is subsiding and that you took your medical care into your hands and heart and were proactive with the doctors! That a girl! Prayers are with you…keep strong and keep us informed, as we all are here with you in spirit and cannot imagine anything but the best in care for you….and a future that is bright and full of love and art!(((((KELLY)))))
    Hugs,Patti

    Reply
  13. the camp

    i am with you on the painting. too many graphic jobs and outside
    disturbances. oh….pixie – do it!
    you would be so cute. well you are cute, but it would be so fun. i do the pixie quite a bit,but my hair is actually “long” at the moment. long for me.

    hang in there. i know it has be to stressful dealing with the health issue. it is nice that you have john by your side.

    peace.

    Reply
  14. Carol

    Your tone speaks volumes Kelly about you being in a abetter place. and it seems to be speaking through your work too, lovely piece. Isn’t it lovely something so good has come from something so horrible.

    Reply
  15. Marilyn Rock

    Stay positive as it will surround you with power and strength! You are in my prayers and positive thoughts throughout your journey. Wonderful news here really!

    Reply
  16. vanessa

    Kelly, all I can say is, YOU GO GIRL!!!!! What a trooper. Not that you needed to to say it. I’m so glad that you are back doing the very thing you love!. I will keep you in my prayers and most positive thought. Keep your head up Sweetie. You did come this far to give up or in now. I believe in you and your beautiful artwork. You inspire so many of us. Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself.
    V

    Reply
  17. Anonymous

    Hi Kelly,
    So glad to here that the tests are all coming back clear .Will be thinking of you in th ecoming days when you have your mri scan .
    Great to see you back at your art table too.Love your new paintings.
    Stay safe
    Love Lorraine x

    Reply
  18. "Made by Katrina"

    sweet woman, i am so glad to hear this update. to hear your confidence and peace returning and to see you turning to your painting with a new inspiration and focus. you’ve been in my thoughts so much the past 2 weeks. this is the best news i’ve heard in days. sending LOVE. xoxo, k.

    Reply
  19. Pherenike

    Thanks Kelly, for your infectious positivity. I am just realising too that life has its ebbs and flows and I just have to go with it!

    I think you would suit a pixie cut – Sooo cute!

    Best wishes for your health.

    Reply
  20. justagirl

    Good to see new work coming along… and they look great.

    Also good to have bad things ruled out also…

    At 15 I had a scan of my spine the doctors were a little alarmed that it wasn’t quite right, so went through lots of other tests and poking and prodding… but in the end it was strawberry picking that cured it, not since I picked strawberries as a summer holiday job have I had any worries with my spine. Thank god for strawberries and all their goodness.

    I feel mystele’s comment says it all she has a way with words and I agree with everything she says.

    Reply
  21. Julie H

    Hi Kelly
    I haven’t commented through this as my heart has been heavy and my words meaningless, but I have been here huging you in my thoughts and praying for the best.
    Thank you for taking the time to remind doctors about the people in their patients.
    And..the new paintings are delicious.

    Reply
  22. Yolanda

    Stay strong and know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
  23. mystele

    wow, kelly rae! i am so happy for and proud of you. lots to hold in your hands, and i thank you for being an example of how this flesh survives, keeps moving, breathing, living in the midst of and in spite of the difficulties that swirl all around us and sometimes land in our laps. you are growing, and it’s obvious. and it’s the point.

    i thank you for sharing your journey. i’m a firm believer that our stories are not for us alone. they are also for us to give courage and wisdom to fellow travelers. your kind of vulnerability is the way it’s done. hold on.

    still praying for you. take good care!

    Reply

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Helloย + welcome!

Iโ€™m Kelly Rae Roberts

Before I picked up my first paintbrush at the age of 30, I was a medical social worker. I followed my creative whispers, and today Iโ€™m an artist & Possibilitarian. Iโ€™m passionate about creating meaningful art and experiences that awaken and inspire our spirits.

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