the truth is is that it’s been a long while since i’ve painted consistently. between life and business, my creativity hasn’t been completely inspired for long stretches of time these last couple of months. that all seems to be changing and i’m feeling some serious pulls. i can’t tell you how happy it feels to not only be painting again, but to be wanting to paint again, to return to the table and feel the flow. i’m learning to accept how we ebb and flow, in and out, of inspiration.
i feel a shifting happening in my life as a whole. an expanding of self. of community. of spiritual understanding. part of me feels the shedding of layers, and the uncovering of some serious perspective. i was this close to getting all my hair chopped off today into a very short pixie cut – a tangible change or newness. i may still do it.
i had another neuro exam today. he was the first medical provider during the last few weeks to give john and i clear answers on what this is not. he was also the first to really settle our spirits, to listen to our questions, to ask important questions, and to simply take a non-invasive/non-alarmist approach. our hearts no longer fear the worst as it’s almost been completely ruled out and this is fantastic news. i have two more important diagnostic tests – one to 100% rule out worst case scenario, and the other to continue the search for answers.
in all of this, i’ve cried my eyes out, been terribly frustrated, written assertive letters to doctors with horrible bedside manners asking them to please remember their humanity, even when they see a million patients per week. i’ve talked out my fears, connected with my husband, with my family. in the end, where i am today and where i’ve been in the last several days is a space of feeling grounded, no longer afraid, no longer paralyzed by scary medical terminology, no longer powerless within the medical system. john is no longer worried about me and all of this is what it is. i may never have an answer, but i’m also learning just how healthy i am as almost every test comes back normal. i’ll take what i can get from all of this insanity 🙂 even when it means i have an unexplained numbness and questionable spine mri.
all the best to all of you….may you find one tiny ounce of goodness in this sometimes haphazard and crazy life.