today was a day. a really really good day.
we’ve been taking several practice runs out and about with True since arriving home from the hospital exactly three weeks ago. at first we stayed close to home – lots of walks as we tried out the various carriers. we’ve got the moby (my fave), the ergo (john’s fave) and we’ve recently discovered slings (which might become both our faves). we do have a stroller but we haven’t used it once!
the walks are getting longer. i’m getting stronger. and now we’re venturing farther away from home and getting more brave. we’re not just leaving the house when it’s guaranteed he’ll be sleeping, but rather we’re going out for breakfast, running errands, etc etc even when we know he’ll need to be held, soothed, fed.
today was a day of energy. of physical healing marked by a very long walk alongside the crisp of autumn. of conversation between john and i that reminded me of how and why we fell in love. of baby True gracing us with ease for many many hours. of one very yummy vanilla lemondrop (hard to believe it’s been 10 months since my last one). of confidence. of letting go (it continues).
i’m still having a few moments here and there of pure terror. moments where i’m frozen inside the who am i, what am i doing, am i going to be okay gremlins. but the laughter and the silly are making a comeback. one of my favorite things to do is to watch john dance with true in the dining room. or when the two of us dance in the living room. or talking baby talk to our precious baby. or making up hilarious lyrics to the melodies we know so well but can’t remember the words to. i’m also really surprised at my baby talk. turns out i can baby talk til the cows come home. and true loves it.
we are taking a MILLION photos and videos. we’re texting these images to our family and friends to the point of annoyance, i’m sure. we’re staring at True and wondering how crazy it is that he is growing so fast. we lovingly call him “chub chub” and we say it really fast so that it’s even funnier to say – because he is chubby. because he eats and eats and eats, vigorously. it’s so freakin adorable.
inside all of this, i am tending to my soul and to my body. i’m calling it radical self care. i’m taking all the help that is being offered. i’m having tender conversations with anybody that will listen. i’m giving my broken pieces that exist in this journey a real voice and trusting my friends and family with my vulnerability. i’ve never felt so wide open. so loved. so loving.
feeling so changed by it all, i feel like a new person finding her way around in a new world. like a baby. like baby True and i are together in this strange land where we explore, where we get all kinds of love and nurture, where we cry but then get soothed, where we learn to trust, where we let the world around us hold us and where we let each other fall into the other, like a dance of two spirits finding their way together in a world that is waiting. waiting and cheering and loving us so.