(i heart u 2 – a gift from my mom, totally comforting me this week.)
i’m sitting here with a knowing of uncertainty. i’m not sure how to start this blog post – in fact, i’m not totally convinced i should even write it, but a dear dear friend has encouraged me to be transparent, to admit my fears, get my heart out onto the world, and get on with it already. so, here i go. spilling. cracking open.
if you’ve been a long and steady reader here in this space, then you’ve likely heard me ramble from time to time about my pesky and persistent leg numbness. how i’ve journeyed through acupuncture, intense massage therapy, painful physical therapy and more – all in an effort to gain healing, mainly so that i could start running again. in all of these months, i never considered that the numbness could be something serious.
one by one, all of the above efforts/treatments have failed and the reality is is that i live in a world where i can’t do simple things like walk up a hill, or quickly cross a street without a very odd sensation in my leg. i’ve learned to live with it, i suppose. and quite honestly, i’ve coped considerably well with it given how much it’s changed my life. lately, though, my intuition has been tugging at me, insisting that i dig deeper and get to the bottom of the numbness.
last week i went to see an orthopedist. immediately, i knew i was just another 15 minute appt to this guy – you know how that goes. i mustered up all my social work advocacy skills and insisted on being taken seriously – that perhaps i needed an MRI. he resisted, said i was young and healthy and recommended more physical therapy. i pushed back, convinced him i wasn’t an alarmist seeking unnecessary intervention, but rather a young woman with daily numbness in her leg. and i wanted the MRI. he reconsidered. i went in for a spine MRI the very next day.
unfortunately, the results of that MRI are a little alarming though not entirely conclusive. because of these results, i’ve been instantly thrown into an existence of referrals, three hour neurology exams, brain mri’s, complicated vision tests, a lot of blood work, and more. there are no answers for me right now. just a ton of appts, waiting, navigating a huge and frustrating medical system, and several near panic attacks.
my heart is dropping, then in the next moment i’m back to equilibrium. then it drops again. the same is true for john.
i don’t want to get into the specifics of what my doctors are speculating it could be, or why i’m having another MRI tomorrow evening, but i will say that the terminology and vocabulary being tossed around by my medical providers is quite hard and almost bizarre to hear. are they talking about me? really? is my entire life going to change or will they find an uncomplicated explanation?
i’ve never had this much medical care/concern in all my life. in one second, i’m tumbled over with dread. and the next i’m a supreme optimist, almost certain that all will be well. quite honestly, i think i might be a total mess, barely holding it together, yet doing a damn good job going about the day and staying busy while trying to trust that the medical people know what they’re doing . i suspect this going back and forth in spaces of optimism and worry will continue until we have some clarity.
in the midst of all this, i’ve been afraid to spread concern to my family + friends. what if it’s nothing? what if i’m creating drama where none exists? but the truth is this: no matter what happens, or even when the answers arrive, i can’t change where i stand today. and where i stand today is a place of being scared while at the same time keeping it all together. and it’s very, very hard for me to see john worried for me – this is huge in my i’mgoingtoloseitanyminutenow.
i’m reaching out today to ask again for your light/prayers/thoughts/good juju and whatever space you can hold for me and john this week. we are doing the best we can, but sudden and unexpected possible outcomes are throwing us for a loop.
and i also want to say this: trust your intuition. be your own best advocate. insists on aggressive diagnostic testing – even when you’re faced up against an establishment whose main concern is lowering their costs and not ordering expensive tests, like MRI exams. our intuition is our most powerful guide, if we allow it to be.
i’ll be back soon with more information. i’m hoping for the best. i really am.
Big fluffy, positive thoughts and prayers to you. The waiting and the going back in for more tests is the worst. The leaps your own mind makes, the waiting for results, for opinions, I know it all too well. BUT, friends, family, writing, creating, thinking truly good and positive thoughts, and chasing down those negative ones and stomping on them with your biggest shoes, those are the things that definitely get us through. Big prayers going out to you…
Hi Kelly,
I will continue praying for you.Stay strong. Know that you are not alone!!
Kristie
kelly, i can empathize with you. i have weird stuff going on, too. it’s so hard not to worry. i will be praying for you. keep creating. you are gifted for a reason.
mystele
my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Oh Kelly, my heart just goes out to you. I am really sending you all the vibes I have. I hope you have some good news but know there is always a way through, always another sunrise and another day. We have had major health scares with my hubby and it really does send you for a loop, but it does always calm back down. All my love to you.
I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. The waiting is so hard. You have such a sweet soul. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. The very hard things in my life have helped me to decide who I really am and what is REALLY important. Hang in there girl! God is bigger! With love,
Jodi Kincaid
Sending a hug and a prayer. I love your spirit but you know that. xo
You are in the light.
My prayers and fervent hope is for an immediate, accurate diagnosis and treatment and speedy recovery. Your great spirit has touched a lot of lives, and its much appreciated.
You will be in my thougths and prayers
dear friend,
i’m glad you are getting the testing/ treatment you deserve. waiting and not-knowing can be such a painful place. i think you are right to just be where you are at today: fully invested. fully emotionally present. and fully alive.
sending oodles of love.
xoxo,
k.
i couldn’t agree more about being your own best advocate, kelly. doctors are not gods, they’re just men and women who happened to read different books than you in college. 🙂
i’m hoping happy things for you. good news and much love and laughter. you’ll be in my thoughts today.
m~
*hugs* Please know that I’m thinking about you, hoping for the best for you. I’m so glad you wrote about it…you need the support of those around you. I know that waiting for results is so so hard.
my thoughts are worth you … sending love and hope, xo
I’ll be sending TONS of good healing vibes on your way 🙂
~Valentina~
Hi Kelly, I’m keeping you in my prayers! You’re a brave girl, hang in there! ((HUGS))
Kelly,
Have faith and keep hope close to your heart and know that you have the strength to get through whatever this ends up being. Channel your worries and concerns through your art and let your spirit express what it needs to onto canvas (it helps!).
You are most certainly in my daily prayers.
xo Alisa
I am praying for you Kelly!
May you have strength, peace, hope, and good answers.
And I want to thank you for posting this. I have something that I truly need to trust my instinct on and a naysayer who wants to squash that.
I will follow my heart. Thank you.
hi kelly – you have my thoughts and prayers as you and your hubby go through this !!! you are a sweet and caring soul so nurture now what is good ! you are loved, you are brave and strong – and you will journey on no matter where that leads – sending you a big hug and warm thoughts and prayers!!
xo,
beth
Dear Kelly! My heart, thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you! Your gentle spirit will soar through this and you will be stronger because of it. I know it is hard, but try to think positive and know that you are cared for by lots of people.
In light, Joanna
i’m so glad you’ve chosen to share with us what you are going through!!!
i’m holding you close in thought and prayer, sweetie.
if there is anything more i can do from here, please don’t hesitate to ask.
sending love and hugs,
xoxoxoxo
You are in my prayers. I hope that you receive some conclusion soon. I am proud of you for following your gut. Hugs from afar.
{ Lindsey }
My prayers are with you and John sweet Kelly. Stay strong!
(((hugs)))
Teresa
Kelly, you and John will be in my thoughts and prayers. I’m glad you insisted on more inclusive testing, it takes a lot of persistence and courage to push back when a doctor is telling you one thing and your gut is telling you another.
Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you the very best and hope you have some answers very soon.
xo,
Carmen
You absolutely have to go with your own gut feelings. Good for you for pushing to get the tests done. From past experience I know that waiting for the results and past diagnosis is the hardest part. Once you know, there’s a name, and you can do research and tackle the problem head on, not just “guess”. Good luck with it all. I’ll be thinking about you.
Sending you healing hugs and positive vibes to get through anything. You’re tough, you can do it.
“The Journey”
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~Mary Oliver
Thinking of you and sending thoughts of peace and well-being in this uncertain time.
xo
heather
Dear Kelly,
I’m a grad student, a mama, an artist, a wife, and my career and current field centers on counseling and disability.
One of the hardest things I’ve had to do recently is be my own advocate. I was in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, have had so many tests and visits with neurologists and cardiologists, and still don’t know why I’m feeling the way I do (and so, more appointments are scheduled). Some doctors were good about listening and some were not. Like you, I pushed. I’m still pushing. It takes a lot of courage and strength to stick up for yourself sometimes and I thank you for sharing that you asked for the MRI. I think it helps to know that others are trusting themselves and their knowledge about their own bodies and asking for what they need.
I wish you all the best and will send prayers your way.
Jennifer
P.S. The day I turned 35 (June 2) I cried. I didn’t feel good physically. I was scared. I thought things should look different. And then I stood in the parking lot of a bookstore, thought of you, and said I’m a possibilitarian. It made me smile and I felt much bigger. Pretty much from that point forward I’ve been busy taking all of it, the good, bad, unwanted, wanted, and trusting that it is all okay, and that there is possibility in everything that happens in my life. I guess I came across your blog at a moment I most needed to. So here is a belated thank you for sharing your take on being a possibilitarian too 🙂
I’ll be thinking of you. xoxo
please know that you and your family are in our thoughts and hearts – all the way from italy. be brave, be strong, stay open and optimistic and know that your journey no matter how frightening is always lined with friends. love & light, suzanne
Kelly Rae-
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted. Hugs and love to you.
Lina
Oh, Kelly, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this dark and scary time. You and John and your family are all in my thoughts and prayers for the strength and peace to get through this and, most of all, for positive outcome.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this with us, especially if it encourages just one person to trust their intuition and push for help.
It’s a good thing that you listened to yourself – but try hard to not get too invested in the conjectures at this point. Remember, doctors do ‘practice’. If it’s nothing big – hooray! If it really is a significant issue – then it’s even better that you listened to yourself earlier rather than later. This will work out. While you are waiting and going to all of those appointments remember to visualize a good outcome. You have that power – use it. Meanwhile, your cyber buddies will be keeping you in their prayers.
thinking of you kelly.
Thinking the best of thoughts for you Kelly Rae and keeping the cup completely full.
I’m mostly a lurker here, but I want you to know that I’m sending good vibes your way.
Good for you for insisting that your doctor listen to you. Hoping for the best.
You’re in my prayers. Lots of hugs from many miles.
Sending positive healing energy your way…
Be well
Try to stay positive and hold hands a lot. Good thoughts coming your way.
kellygirl,
you were right to push. regardless of what the outcome is – you knew you had to push and you did. waiting stinks! but i am sending lots of juju.
peace.
kelly
Dearest Kelly,
You are with me throughout the coming days, as I potter along in my little world… sending prayers out to the universe.
Best wishes
Emma
my dear Kelly, my heart aches for the pain and worry you are going through. It is such a hard thing…the “not-knowing”…your mind tends to race with all the possibilities. You seem to be well centered though, and letting those possibilities race to the positive/optimistic sort….good for you. And thank goodness you spoke up and were your own advocate. Think how many people would have left that first doctor and simply doubled up on the PT. Good for you being so strong. All my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I’ll be thinking of you and JOhn and sending my wellness vibes your way. Always trust yourself – and know that support and love is all around you. The hearts tell you that! Please continue to share and thank you. That cou;dn’t have been easy, either. Big hugs! ~ Emilyt
Kelly, you’re most definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Your message has been heard loud and clear by me . ..I’m grappling with a similar issue, and fear not being taken seriously. Good for you for insisting on proper care. Be strong, stay positive and remember to just breathe, sweetie. ((Hugs))
You’re in my heart and thoughts and prayers… intuition is a powerful tool and it can make a huge difference in the timeliness of seeking needed medical treatment. Hang in there and know that we’re out here sending you light.
Hi Kelly , So sorry to hear about your leg troubles , i am new to your blog and haven’t had chance to read all….
I am sending hugs and best wishes your way.I am sure the doctors will find out the underlying reason for your numbness.You took the first step and made that all important decision to find out , it is always better to have an early diagnosis than a late one.
It must be a very worrying time for you , but you seem to be a very positive lady .Thinking of you this evening .
Love Lorraine ox
sending you positive thoughts across the Mediterranean sea and the Atlantic sea knowing that they will find their way, doctors do want to solve mysteries and have their patients healthy, I’m sure you are in good hands. kt
Kelly; I will keep you in my prayers and positive thoughts. You are right; we must be our own advocates and listen and feel our bodies talking to us when things just don’t seem right. It’s scary but we must do this. The waiting is very difficult but just know we’re all out here with you! Please keep us posted.
sending lots of positive energy and good wishes your way. your artistic journey has already shown everyone what a brave spirit you have! take care.
Sending positive vibes and a hug
Kelly, waiting for the results is the hardest time, whatever the outcome you will find the strength to cope
Our thoughts are with you from the other side of the world (New Zealand) at this difficult time, Kelly. My husband is a nurse and he fully supports your comments about trusting your intuition and being your own advocate. Sending you love and light, Cheryl & Wayne