an awakening. it’s been happening somewhere in the turmoil of the last couple of weeks. i’ve realized that i’ve lost something i needed to lose. and though i’ve had this feeling before, it seems more saturated in real and permanence and ‘ok, i get it’. it was a longing before, a wanting to feel a certain way but not quite understanding it. i think i got it now. and i’m holding tight.
with a little bit of intention, circumstance, and luck, i put the brakes on many things in my life that didn’t feel good: the computer. overly checking my email. worry about other people. alarm clocks. analysis of self. wondering how i can be and do better/more/faster. checking my stats and other meaningless websites. my to-do list. expectation. answering my emails in a timely manner. mind chatter. in some ways it feels too easy, this letting go. where’s the anxiety? the restlessness? the friction? again, i think being away and then arriving home sick and out of order were blessings being born – a forced way for me to get some perspective. and now that i’m several days into this new experience, i seem to have a lot of time. it feels pure this being right where i am, who i am. i wish it for everyone i know. and i hope it lasts.