gratitude & understanding

May 25, 2007 | Life in Progress


have you ever had the exhilarating experience of absolute gratitude for life, for every small and big thing that happens upon your personal journey, where you finally understand that nothing really matters except the stuff that really matters? and before the gratitude and understanding arrive, the begging begins: “please god, if you just make this ok, i will never take anything for granted ever again and i will never go to bed angry and i will…” and so on.

exactly five years ago while i sat in my little cubicle at my uninspiring social work job, i received a phone call. all i could hear on the other end of the line was life affirming screams as he shouted “lymph node one: benign! lymph node two: benign! lymph node three: benign!” and so on. i remember hanging up the phone and letting loose a joyful and uninhibited scream across the expanse of those boring white office walls, a scream that could be heard over the tops of all those cubicles “cancer free! cancer free!”. it was, quite simply, one of the best days of my entire life. and this is the exact part where the gratitude and the understanding enter my life, i mean really enter my life.

in those scary weeks preceding the good news, we had endured some very bad news: john had been diagnosed with melanoma. it was widely excised and the surrounding lymph nodes were removed and tested for cancer cells. the lymph nodes are the highways of our bodies. if cancer cells were discovered in the lymph nodes, it was a serious situation. the waiting was excruciating. it was heart wrenching, actually. we had just been married a few months before, still wading, hand-in-hand, through the bliss of being newlyweds. we were 26 and 27 years old.

of course john and i processed that experience as individuals, but also as a newly married couple. in some ways, it became a blessing in our marriage, to learn early on what we could lose. we learned to hold tightly, not out of fear, but out of a respect for love and our lives and of our union. we also learned to just simply be aware of all the goodness. and to sit with the simplicity of that, even today, calms my naturally worrisome self.

so, if you’ve noticed all the love inspired posts over here lately, it’s because today, this week, i’m very much aware of all the goodness. and thankful as all get out that he (and we) (and our loved ones) (and our dog) are healthy. i know it can’t always be this way, but i’m savoring it while it lasts.

Sending much love,

Show/Hide Comments (12 comments)
12 Comments
  1. Sunday Scribblings

    So glad to hear the recent tests were benign as well! I know just what you’re feeling and I hate knowing the anxiety will always be there in one way or another, fricking cancer, but with each mole or spot that’s NOT cancer, it lessens the anxiety a little! To a lifetime of benign-ness!!!
    -Laini

    Reply
  2. jenifer74

    wow kelly, so intense. my uncle died of melanoma, so that’s always been a very real threat in our family. what joyous words to be able to scream out in your cubicle!!! lovely post 🙂

    Reply
  3. misty

    your words gave me chills. Beautiful post! my heart sings for you! xooxox

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    YES

    YES

    YES

    You have expressed it so perfectly. Blessed be!

    ~bluepoppy

    Reply
  5. Stacey V.

    SO very true. : )

    Reply
  6. deirdre

    Waiting for test results is so frightening and the relief when they come back good calls for jumping and screaming with joy. Passing the five year mark is another cause for celebration.

    Reply
  7. Swirly

    I have learned over the years that all the things we value most are actually much more fragile than we realize. This doesn’t make me fearful, it just means I don’t take anything for granted. Life, and all the goodness in it, is delicate.

    Reply
  8. nina

    dancing out on the deck, with you guys in spirit, and sending much love….xoxoxoxo

    Reply
  9. Ruth Rae

    hope! it really does make our dreams come true!
    my heart is full of joy for you both! 🙂

    Reply
  10. sarah

    tears of joy! this post makes me so happy for you and john.

    Reply
  11. Amanda

    this brings tears to my eyes.
    and gratitude to my heart.

    Reply
  12. kelly

    amen…

    Reply

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Hello + welcome!

I’m Kelly Rae Roberts

Before I picked up my first paintbrush at the age of 30, I was a medical social worker. I followed my creative whispers, and today I’m an artist & Possibilitarian. I’m passionate about creating meaningful art and experiences that awaken and inspire our spirits.

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