Growing up

So I just went to my friend kat’s website: absenceofwings.com and read her blogs. She is making another film called Jumping off Bridges. The film is loosely based from old high school friendships, particularly a friend whose mom unfortunately took her own life when we were just about 15 years old. I’ve known kat since junior high and reading her blogs almost had me in tears. She is so creative, poetic in her words and you can just feel her passion and enthusiasm about this film.
As happy as I am for her, it has me wondering where my own creativity went? Not only that, but I think back to my outlook when I was in my early 20s and wonder where it went? When I reread my old journals from that time, I hear a voice of a girl who was optimistic to a fault, in love with her friends, aware of the possibilities ahead of her, the world ahead of her. A girl who was learning, always observant and aware of the lessons in her life, and just plain thankful and grateful for all she had. I hear all of this in kat’s blogs and I wonder where that spirit went in me and how can I get it back? Not that I’ve lost all of it, but it doesn’t seem to come across in my everyday life and conversations as it used to back then. Somewhere along the line, I got caught up in life, I suppose. Marriage. A ‘real’ job. I lost focus of my creative pursuits and interest. Not to say that marriage has been a bad thing. I love john to death, but marriage has, in a way, been a distraction to pay attention to one’s self, and this is my own fault. Somewhere along the line, I feel I’ve put up a small wall. I don’t always say whats in my heart and I wish I would a bit more. Most of the time I’m thinking how wonderful my friends are, how lucky I am to have a great relationship with my mom, wondering how in the world did I become so lucky, but yet I rarely actually say these things out loud. Why is this? In my teens and early 20s my greatest fear was to become hardened to life. Is this happening to me? It feels like I’m forever telling myself that I have the best life in the world and that I’m just so thankful for my and john’s health. I’m actually very good at not sweating the small stuff. But I don’t think I do a good job anymore of expressing myself to my family and friends. I will try harder. To tell them all how much I love and adore each of them. To make sure they know it. To tell myself to go for it. To be creative without fear. To write more letters, and not just the occasional birthday bullshit card. To live more emotionally outloud. To unabashedly cry, laugh, talk, whatever. To live freer. It’s like people tell you that when you get older, you get wiser. But part of me thinks I had the keys to lifes big questions earlier in my life and now I’ve already forgotten the answers and the search begins again.

Part of me is nervous about the nyc trip with all my old girlfriends. I’m worried that they will all be fabulous, doing great and wonderful things, none of them ‘working for the man’ and I will be left feeling a little too normal and unadventurous. Part of me tells myself not to be so hard on myself, that I am fabulous, too, that I just have a different life now, but the other part of me wants to bust out and do more, live more like a city girl. I miss my girlfriends and although I’ve made good girlfriends here, sometimes I still feel itchy to get out more. I want martinis with my girls, damit!

John and I threw away everything white in our cubbards yesterday. We’re trying to eat more good proteins, good carbs, and more whole wheat products. It was a sad moment when I threw out the ben&jerry’s ice cream and the rest of the oreos. But I had to do it…need to refocus. If it’s not in the house, I won’t eat it, but the minute I bring it inside, it’s over for me. John likes to quote dr phil: “you have to work to get fat.” it’s true. You have to physically get off your lazy butt, get in the car and go to the store to buy the sweets. It’s true. I like to think of the silly thing my freind kat taught me: the “booty-do” – it’s when your belly sticks out more than your booty do. It makes me laugh every single time!