sometimes when true and i are quietly together, i think about his spirit, his energy, and his soul. i think about how he came to be, who he is spiritually and what it is that we’ll offer to one another in our journeys. more than ever before i feel the spiritual piece of my life. maybe it’s because i feel a responsibility to shepherd this new life into his new world. maybe it’s because i’m aware of his bigness in our lives and how he came to be ours. maybe it’s because i feel a certain new energy inside our home when the three of us are together. maybe it’s because what i feel is unexplainable – i just know it exists and it’s very very good and very very big (enormous) and surrounded by light. i have a deep sense and awareness that the three of us are living spirits who somehow found one another, not by accident, but by faith. faith that we are better together, more whole, more aware of all there is to soak up inside this human experience.
(he is 8 weeks old and very very very smiley. loves new faces, new sounds.)
i talk to him constantly. and he smiles when he hears my voice, always. i tell him he’s doing such a good job at this baby stuff and how he’s a delight to have in our lives. i tell him how hard it was those first many weeks with his reflux and our new parent stuff and my birth recovery and and and….but that we made it through. that he made it through, that i made it though, that john made it through – all three very separate journeys but inside a togetherness all the same. i tell him of all the things i’m learning because of him, how my heart continues to widen, how my fears are starting to fall aside little by little.
i tell him that his heart will never be alone.
(love starbuck’s new messages. so, so perfect)
as with all things brave in sadness, brave in love, living right next to all the sweetness is the hard and guts of this new journey. i had a phone call with my midwife yesterday. i cried my eyes out as we talked again about my birth story – how i’m still very much recovering from it and how the layers run so deep inside that recovery that i hardly know what to do with it all. she reminded me of my strength, of my power, and that i have the absolute capacity to work through it while still being all that baby true needs. she’s so right. i’ve noticed that my heart heals with each new day with him. and that things are becoming more and more clear. i’m writing a lot – on sticky notes, on random pieces of paper, on desktop text docs, everywhere. i wonder if these pieces will ever come together in cohesion. i just know that i need to get it out of my mind, of my heart. and then perhaps clarity will come later…
(this is a hilarious photo (maybe it’s the tight blue pants and socks?). his hands are often together like they are here and his belly is always popping like it his here.
inside all of it, i feel an odd sense of peace. ever since true’s reflux got under control (which is when i started to feel empowered as a new mama with instincts), it’s been fairly smooth sailing. there are no more major crying fits and pain. he’s just really quite smiley and mellow all day long with the normal fussiness in the evenings. he eats like a champ and sleeps very soundly at night, waking only to feed and go back to sleep. in comparison to those first few weeks when we were all desperate to find comfort, life is starting to (sort of) feel like our new normal is shaping up.
maternity leave has been touch and go. it’s been impossible to totally unplug from biz, but that’s been okay, too. i think, for me, it’s been extremely important to dip into parts of my life that make me fee like me. that means a little bit of blogging, social networking, painting, and business decisions/brainstorming/planning. finding small amts of time for these things have helped keep me afloat inside a new world that has felt extremely new and raw. they’ve reminded me that i’m still me, that i can slowly weave parts of my old life into my new life. it’s also been really good to take a solid and much needed break from my old life, too and just dip in when i’ve needed the grounding. but maternity leave is coming to a close soon after the holidays and my head is seriously spinning with all that is coming down the pipe in early 2011, including a bit project that will involve all of YOU! it feels amazing to have so much inspiration right now inside all of this new.
(that’s me in the middle of painting day downstairs. my hair is getting so long, i wonder when i’ll make it to the salon. i’ve been cutting my own bangs.)
the other day someone asked me to explain what i do. i told them i was an artist, an author, and a possibilitarian. why a possibilitarian? because crafting a life for ourselves in an art. being a possibilitarian is my roadmap to how i craft mine. and that’s what it feels like i’m doing right now. i’m crafting a new life. and it’s full of possibility. it really is.
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