i mean it.

where have i been. oh man. i wanted to come here and share some delights of the last several days, but here’s the honest truth: it’s been a wonderful, then hard, then wonderful, then hard again these past several days. nothing seems to last and i’m beginning to feel like i can’t really trust the permanence or stability of anything. john and i have pinky-promised one another to get out of our intensity. to get out of our heads. out of our negativity and into the wonders that are simply ahead of us. i don’t think i’ve shed so many tears than i have in the last few months. i’m pretty sure i must be nearing the end. the well is going dry. and quite frankly, i’m just simply exhausted by my own self. my bff called me yesterday and shook me into, then out of, my tears, then into an awakening. there was something about that conversation that when we hung up, i said to myself “enough is enough.” and so it goes. i mean it. i’m a girl on a full on mission to master the balance of sitting with the enormity of what i’m feeling while at the same time moving past it, and not just for a day or two, but for good.

bits and pieces of the wonderfulness of the last several days:
making lots and lots of art that i feel proud of.
a couple of great full days with john, including a movie (bourne ultimatum – loved it), a picnic complete with bluebird skies and perfect weather and quiet pinky-promises, breakfast/coffee/tea at a new joint, lunch at a mediterranean place that made us feel like we weren’t in california anymore, yatzee, and beach combing.
a birthday party for our friend erik.
a clean house compliments of a husband who knows how to really get a place sparkling clean.
feeling like it’s all going to be ok and that i’m well loved and taken care of by everyone and everything.
the book i’m reading. i will share more on this soon.
tea with a friend.

bits and pieces of the hard of the last several days:
the general and vague feeling that i’m missing the point.
the long talks with my husband that are the very essence of good and healing and communication, but also difficult when sensitivity is ruling my personal world right now.
being way too hard on myself.
realizing that i’ve taken waayy tooo long to call my friends back.
realizing that the creative life (i’m still learning the way) can be intense and isolating even with all of its rewards. i feel like as much as i am loving and embracing this life, i still stumble through the mere learning curves that have come with it this year.
admitting that my emotional reserves are quite low and that i better start doing self care

bits and pieces of what’s coming ahead:
lunch at cafe gratitude tomorrow with christine and mati (i’ll share photos).
weekly artists dates.
morning pages.
monthly massages.
letter and card writing.
gift giving.
one more week of art making for the book.
getting ready for art&soul vendor nite.
a brighter, clearer, more understanding me.