in my moodiness and quietness the last few days i’ve had some weird feelings of fear, fear of being “found out.” it’s a strange and vague sense that i’ve fooled everyone into thinking that i’m thoughtful, talented, and worthy of my successes, when on the inside it feels more like inadequacy. my filmmaker friend kat calls it the “impostor syndrome”- when you’re worried that others are realizing that you’re not so talented or smart afterall and that you just fooled them all into thinking so. i had an experience recently where after talking with a customer, i had these thoughts of “oh god, i just totally ruined it for him. i completely fooled him into thinking i was an artist. and now he’s figured out i’m really not.”
i think i’m having a hard time internalizing all of this. this is what happens when i try to rest my brain. i over think, overanalyze, and actually worry that i might be a fraud. irrational, i know. has anyone else had this experience?
like so many others, coming down from the high that is artfest has been weird to negotiate. weird because it actually feels odd to admit that the experience is that powerful. weird because it actually does feel that you are leaving a piece of your authentic self behind in port townsed, washington. and weird, because, well, life goes on.
i know that i’m not a fraud, or deceitful, or incapable. i just find it facinating how these thoughts creep in, even in the very midst of creating the life you’ve always wanted for yourself.