(an old journal entry, dated summer 1998. i had horrible handwriting, even then. the very last line under “life goals” reads “become an artist, learn to draw, paint, whatever.”)
i’ve been going through my old journals as a way to help me dive into the manuscript for the book. i was totally surprised to find several references to creative goals, as far back as junior highschool. over and over again i would write similar goals to the above entry: learn to draw. learn to paint. become an artist. take an art class. i have several entries in several journals about how i feel most balanced and “myself” when i’m being creative, but interestingly, I rarely defined what “being creative” meant.
i am amazed that it took me almost 10 years to find myself finally following my path after writing this little list of life goals. i wrote them when i was 23 years old…before i met john, before i moved to the west coast, before i had even finished graduate school. of all the things i listed, i’m happy to report i have indeed traveled all over europe and the us. i have indeed learned how to sew (not a pro, but certainly “efficient”). i am indeed illustrating and writing a book (though it’s not a children’s book). and lastly, i did indeed “become an artist, learn to draw, paint, whatever.” i crack myself up.
have i learned to cook or play the drums? no. on a side note, i wonder why i didn’t reference happiness in this list? it’s everywhere else in my old journals, but not in this particular list. i must have been feeling particularly task oriented when i wrote this (as i sometimes can be, still). i also find it interested that the most important thing (become an artist) was written last. it’s true how the most important things come last. in conversations, i notice that it’s often the last thing a person says that carries the most meaning and significance. have you noticed this before?
i am so thankful for my journals. they really are a documentation of an evolving self. the early years are all about boys, of course, but even in those, i can hear the voice of a girl finding her grounding, in relationships, in friendships, in family, in life. interestingly, my journals are packed to the brim with words, with thoughts, but absolutely no art, no drawings, no sketches. just a ton of words and quotes and emotion.
i wish that i had some of my old journals!
maybe it took you 10 years to get there….but your true self always knew you were an artist at heart.
🙂
love
mccabe x
maybe not the last, but the most important because we think it isn’t serious and could never justify having it as much as our mind wants it, like “you can’t fall back on being an artist”
I have all these old notebooks too and every year or so I pull them out and realize that the lists I’ve made are all things that have happened, are happening and will continue to happen.
I recently found a collage of dreams I made about 10 years ago, made out of pretty magazine cutouts. I discovered to my delight that a lot of my dreams had come true. Isn’t it fun to look back.
ps. I finally have a blog!!
old signature of ClaireNZ is now akaCate
talk about manifestation!
i love this! i’m so glad you’ve learned to draw, paint & whatever:)
The important things do sometimes come up last. This isn’t always a bad thing…when you are in the process of evaluating how things are (which is part of goal setting – seeing that there is more you want to experience) the “important” stuff isn’t always immediately evident. Sometimes it takes a bit of processing of the little things before the “big” things become evident. I’ve noticed that if I take a little time and sit in quiet to let the little things come up…if I stay there just a little longer, than a larger bubble surfaces that gives a bit more meaning to everything else. Oh, and the “whatever” in your artist line….love that. I like to say “or something better” after clarifying something I want to do/experience because I’ve been known to latch onto an idea that isn’t always the best thing for me and i don’t always know it until I’ve experienced something even better. 🙂
Love that you shared this.
Loved connecting with you in Portland.
Loved meeting your dear friends who I just might claim myself. 😉
-Steph
I love my old journals, but I am so bad at daily diary keeping that I have all these old journals that are complete for maybe Jan-April, or really sporadic. I beat myself up so much about it then, but I am so glad I have them now! I love how yours show the consistency of you (drum lessons notwithstanding).
I’m glad you kept your journals…I know I have a journal from childhood in some box somewhere, but most of them I lost track of…It’s great to see what we were thinking back then. And a way to recapture that part of us that we may have lost a little along the way.
i am sitting her giggling. for some reason looking at your journal page, made me look at my desk. i don’t really journal, but i do write things out on scrap paper! at the moment my desk is overflowing with ideas, notes, doodles on postit’s index cards, !
oh my goodness they are everywhere! i need to just keep one notebook on my desk- just for that!
i am so happy that you have been fulfilling your artist goal. you are such a talent!