it’s not until i talk to other moms that i realize how much my heart is carrying and expanding. i’ve never been so relieved to know i’m not alone in an experience. what nobody tells you is that your capacity for holding everything expands monumentally. adjusting to that piece alone is exhausting because new mamahood really does feel like an alternate universe where your heart explodes with bliss, but also where you are constantly trying to gather up all the pieces that are flying at high speed all around you. i’m learning to hold the full breath of this experience – the extremes, the tenderness, the transitions, the worry, the time warp, the expectations, the present, the grief, the dreams, the conversations, the staying in touch with your friends, the jobs/deadlines, all schedules, the uncertainty, the hopes. it’s a lot to hold as you mamas out there know!
as a newbie, i’m learning that we have to be flexible. but not. spontaneous. but not. go with the flow. but not.
in every way, and at every turn, i’m celebrating this remarkable + miraculous experience while also trying to craft a whole new way of living and seeing the world – how does my work/creativity mix in and how do i express all of this now that everything has changed? how do i structure my time now? do i structure my time? four months into new parenthood, we are blissed out with baby true while also trying hard to reintegrate, recalibrate, re-emerge our personal selves back into the fold. work time. personal time. together time. holy smokes, this is tricky.
it sort of feels like we are dipping in and out of total separate worlds all day long. when he’s awake, i’m in baby world. when he’s asleep i’m frantically dipping into deadline world, personal time world, friend world, creative world, marriage world. a friend of mine told me that this is motherhood – that navigating different worlds while also being fully present for your children is an art form, one that has a high learning curve, one that takes a lot of practice.
i’m still such a beginner at all of this. up and down. in and out. i’ve never felt more sensitive, more vulnerable to judgment, more tender to unkindness, and more volatile in my confidence. i’ve also never been more sure in my whole life that it’s all so completely worth it, that this kind of surrendering, that this kind of letting go and leaning in and reaching up and out of myself is the most meaningful soul work i’ll ever do.
current mantras (because pep talks occur over here more often than ever before!):
brave in sadness, brave in love (always)
what you’re doing matters.
be present and let go.
surrender to the love and tenderness.
don’t sweat the small stuff.
nothing is wasted.
this is a spiritual journey.