central park, nyc
i am in that place where i feel really stripped down. new. raw. uncomfortable. strangely (or not), this is exactly how i feel when i get midway thru a painting, when it’s all yucky and not pretty – just before i push thru and it all comes together. but back to the stripped down, rawness…it all comes with the territory of moving to a new city, not knowing a soul, trying to find the bits and pieces of routine and familiarity. the adventure of it is fun and never ending, but in the spaces between making plans, i simply feel new. like a blank slate. it’s exhilarating and scary all at once, this feeling of rebuilding. i’ve noticed these feelings have made their way to all parts of my life: creative. community. body and wellness.
i’m looking forward to john starting his new job this week. i think i need to anchor myself to someone’s schedule and routine – so i can really get back to work. it’s mid february and to be honest, so far this year i’ve been in chill/exploration mode. in some ways it’s been a forced blessing waiting for me notice the gifts that come with inactivity. like all the day dreaming about big canvas’, painting differently, and new directions. i’ve got all sorts of ideas brewing, but for the first time since i started this creative life, i’m not jumping into action. instead, i’m letting it all sit and steep and slowly work its way to magic. this is where the new, raw, uncomfortable feelings come in. this is new for me. this waiting. this letting be. this not being afraid that i’ll disappear into the mix of other artists, authors, seekers. that i’m still good and enough, even when i’m in resting mode.
it’s happening in my physical body, too. oddly, i’m craving greens, water, nutrients. i’ve barely eaten pasta in weeks – this is hugely strange. i’m going to bed early, waking up early. and it feels really, really good. my body insists that i stretch morning and night. i think it wants more yoga and it’s made me promise to listen to that yearning. my mind is resting and i can’t tell you how strange and new this feels. it feels a bit like i’m finally giving in. so that room can be made for the magic. in body. in mind. in creativity.
so yes, i’m learning, just like in painting, to push thru the uncomfortable feelings. not to skip them, but to really sit, rest, and work my way through them. into them. so that the goodness can happen on the other side. i’m fairly good at constructively doing this with emotions like anger, grief, sadness. but this non emotional place, this just being and waiting and listening when it comes to my creativity and wellness is new. it’s insisting that i believe in what i’m considering before i take action. i like that. it’s a little uncomfortable, but i like it. it feels healthy.
and now that i really do believe, i’m ready to go. i’m ready to work. i’m ready to paint. i’m ready to write and make and meet and experiment and eat and stretch and create a whole new life in this city. it’s going to be good. awkwardness and all.