where to begin. when john and i found out we were preggers, i screamed all the way down the stairs with wide open eyes in complete disbelief. we were in shock. we hugged. we jumped up and down. we stared at each other with no words until the words finally came. we called our families and shared the news over the phone. we dropped all of our plans that day and just puttered around the house in awe. every two seconds we’d say “can you believe it?” i think we were in shock that it actually works – that two people can have sex and create life. even now, i see and feel the miracle of that. i suppose that makes all of us walking miracles.
we had been trying for several months with no luck. once we decided to move to portland, we decided to stop trying for a few months so that we could get settled into our new place, new insurance, etc, etc. but i suppose there were other plans for us. and the element of surprise was such a gift.
fast forward a few weeks and the nausea began and all the other unlovelies that happen during the first trimester (i will spare you the details). i have to say, it has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. i was so accustomed to the pace of my life that it was such a force for me to all of the sudden have to stop everything. it seemed like overnight my life was dictated by my physical abilities and my physical abilities were all of the sudden quite pathetic. food/nausea/unbearable fatigue became my worst enemies. sleep was a close 2nd. without food, without energy, without my upbeat spirit, i was an unproductive/tearful/frustrated mess. everything (and i mean everything) felt like a major hurdle and i had extreme aversions to computer screens, emails, anything creative, writing, photo taking, and deadlines. all i wanted to do was to feel better and for the dreadful haze and all the other symptoms to lift.
so that has been the hard truth about my first trimester. i wasn’t expecting it, nor was i prepared emotionally or physically. i think i thought i might have a bit of nausea but that i’d still be able to work and play. not so. many times i told my friends and family that i just didn’t feel like myself, that i wish i could just snap out of the fog, that i yearned for relief from all the things that were happening. at the same time, i was reconciling that we were indeed pregnant, that we wanted this, that this whole experience was a living miracle. i was comforted by their similar stories of their first trimesters – that they too felt unlike themselves inside of all the sickness. they reassured me it would get better, that i would find myself in myself soon. i’m so grateful for all those shared stories, for all those cracked open hearts that told me the truth. i needed it. i strongly believe that we can be both brave in sad, brave in love about experiences like these – that just because we are joyous, that it doesn’t mean there isn’t muck and hard truth. it’s such a deep and wide and whole experience. i’m feeling it all.
i’m still not quite out of the sick yet. but i can feel my energy slowly returning. i can feel the joy rising. and i can finally (sort of) eat. the nausea comes and goes, but i’m making my way. and boy did the ultrasounds lift my spirits. we can’t stop talking and planning and dreaming. i’m so thankful for john. he’s been taking tremendous care of me. through all of it, i’ve felt a sisterhood that i haven’t felt before, like i’m experiencing a larger experience much bigger than myself, one that has been experienced millions of times by others. i find so much comfort in that. i really do.
on the creativity front, i’m trusting that my spark will emerge in the coming weeks. it’s been very strange to want nothing to do with paint or paper or glue. i’m sure all of that will change when i start feeling better 🙂