Truth. My life is totally nuts at the moment. Truth. It’s sort of embarassing.
You know how the small moments in life sort of mimic the bigger picture so that when your life is out of sorts, all the tiny moments throughout the day are also out of sorts, screaming at you to take heed and pay attention? Yes, that’s me. Raising my hand over here. Lost keys. Expired urls (oh no!). Canceled appointments. Forgotten appointments. Parking tickets. Unorganized inbox. Missed meetings. Apologies galore for running late, running behind, forgetting that, or missing that. Stranded at airports with broken phones and no idea where to go, or what to do. Forgotten showers, teeth brushing. Crazy house with toys and stuff everywhere. So tired, insomnia kicks in and officially makes the sleep deprivation torture. And on and on. I’m hoping it passes soon.
|That me, photo by Mati Rose
Prior to becoming a mom, I was proud of my capacity to do, do, do. I could hammer out big projects. I could meet deadlines, even if it meant pulling all nighters. I was way more dependable to those who depended on me. I didn’t think it at the time, but I had plenty of balance, plenty of time to breathe, plenty of time to create, plenty of time to shower. And when I got off track with doing too much, I could course correct so much faster, easier into a place of simply being present
But now (more specifically, the last couple of months). Ay yi yi. The course correction takes forever, and the chaos is a little much. I had a moment earlier this week where I felt like I was failing as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, daughter, business owner, business partner, an artist, etc etc. because none of those precious things has my full attention or my focused attention. Feeling pulled in a million directions, I caved. I’m also aware that the feeling pulled in a million directions might be a story I’m telling myself, and not the real truth. The tears came as did a sweet conversation with my guy. Sometimes I wonder if this adjustment to being a mom, with a thriving creative full business will settle? I’m also adjusting to not seeing True as much I usually do now that I no longer work from home. That’s a big emotional component for me. I miss him. A lot. And the guilt is here, too.
I know this is a part of it. We all struggle with holding it all together from time to time. I am reminded of the painting above with words that call out to me today to surrender, surrender, surrender. As a woman, I’m also realizing just how much we hold. We hold a lot. A lot. A lot. Sometimes we have to let it all drop and trust that faith and courage will pick up the pieces ever so gently and carry them beside us until we are ready again.
Hoping to pause for a bit every day this week and recenter. That is the goal, friends. Sending you the same wish.