Something has definitely shifted the last week or so. After several weeks in the under belly of transition, moving, being overwhelmed, and generally in a rut, the veil seems to have lifted and grace and ease are my companions again. I’m learning the lesson of endurance when it comes to doing hard things, sometimes on top of other hard things. And I’m also learning more about the grace of perspective.
A couple of weeks ago, we had a scary incident where True was sent to the children’s hospital via ambulance from his concerned pediatrician’s office. What started out as his first ear infection turned into respiratory distress, and pneumonia. My little family became ever so singular, ever so precious in those ways that things do when they become threatened. In the end, True was amazing through it all and is still talking about the “amazing” ambulance ride. John was amazing through it all, too. Our little family was amazing through. it. all. And I received a few gifts from the entire experience, including not the least of which, is that I just feel closer to them when I didn’t think that was even possible.
Like every other family, as the story of our family unfolds, I’m certain we’ll have those significant moments in the path when we’re given the opportunity to rise up to whatever is meeting us. This was our first scary experience, and we rose. I saw True’s emotional capacity in a new way. He was scared, brave, funny, and incredibly trusting. Incredibly. He listened, he asked questions, he asked for what he needed. And the next day, he woke up singing. Literally singing. He is, in so many ways, our biggest teacher.
We took his cue and woke up with a renewed sense of gratitude. We’ve loosened our grip on all the other insignificant stuff that was taking up way too much space in our hearts. I’m so thankful for it all really. The toughs. The roughs. The choices. The reminders to be present, exhale, and take it all in.
That experience seemed to awaken my overall appreciation for our life, too. We are so fortunate. And I love, love, love our life. Although I deeply appreciate and am aware of our good fortune (our health, a passionate work life, a beautiful home, family close by, flexible schedules, financial abundance, fantastic friends, solid marriage, and on and on), I struggle sometimes with impostor syndrome, and the ability to fully embrace All That Is Good in our lives. I can see now some of the ways that I sabotage enjoying it: working too hard, not taking a moment to breath in all that is good, constantly shifting from one thing to the next, etc. I’m reminded of the post I wrote last year about shining brightly but turning down the volume on enjoying it. Yes, that is it (thank you, Gay Hendricks for the aha!). I see now that not accepting and embracing and celebrating and really receiving this season of our lives to the absolute fullest isn’t really honoring all that we are so grateful for. And I can see the direct link to my unconscious beliefs about my own worthiness. Big stuff. And so. I feel more awakened to this part of my own story, another layer peeled back. Awakened and grateful.
Someone recently taught me that grace shows up differently for all of us. For my BFF, her grace may show up in having a deeply fulfilling relationship with her family of origin whereas my grace may show up in a knowing what my passion is, and how to use it. Our paths and our stories are different. What I’m here to learn may not be what she’s here to learn. And so our grace shows up accordingly. I’m getting that the grace that is showing up for me, during this remarkable season of my life, is trying to teach me to receive, to let it rush in. My heart is definitely cracked open to it. And now I want it to break open.